Dan “Tuff Guy” Groth often wears nothing but a satin cape.

Diver: Dan Groth
Interesting Facts: Dan only answers to his nickname “Tuff Guy.”

Dear Diver,
Why has the moustache made a comeback but not the perm? I think any self-respecting mustachioed hipster should ditch the Bieber Sweep in favor of a Mike Brady or Tom Selleck. And some chest hair farming couldn’t hurt. Just doesn’t seem like they’re doing the genre justice. What kind of men are they?– Permanent Vacation

Dear Permanent Vacation,
Well, the obvious “duh” answer is that a perm takes time, money and effort to actualize, while all a moustache requires is a razor and the confidence to sport such a bold look. But let me offer a personal anecdote about perms. As many of our older readers will recall, gangs of stylists once roamed the streets of American cities, engaged in random acts of perming on unsuspecting young men. Once I was caught unawares by some stylists and was given a perm with extremely tight curls. I immediately paid a visit to the local blacksmith, who was able to forge me a heavy duty cast iron comb. I spent hours combing my hair back into its normal straight ‘n stringy. Whenever I near a stylist, I clutch my cast iron comb, ready to wield it at a moment’s notice.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
My friends and I are getting ready to do our annual Snowdown float and we are a little stumped with this year’s “Steampunk” theme. Sid Vicious on a paddleboat? Johnny Rotten on the D&SNG? Please help – and hurry, the countdown to parade line-up is on!
–  Steam Stumped

Dear Steam Stumped,
Good luck on that, but I have some other suggestions that don’t have anything to do with “Steam” Punk, but are in a similar vein as your current ideas. How about having Peter Cetera singing softly in a Hyundai Excel? Or Josh Groban in all his glory atop an ’86 Ford Escort? Did you know I once rode around on the top of a Plymouth Voyager dressed up as Chris DeBurgh, lip-synching to his romantic mega-hit, “Lady in Red?”  I also once air-keyboarded to “Heat of the Moment” by Asia while wearing nothing but a satin cape.
– Sincerely, Diver 

Dear Diver,
It seems like everyone in America is football crazed – except me. I am embarrassed to say that I neither know nor really care all that much for the sport (or any professional sports for that matter.) Only problem is, a girl I recently started dating has asked me to a Super Bowl party. Please, Diver, give me some football terms and/or talking points so as not to come off as a total buffoon. My very manhood could be at stake.
– Half-timer

Dear Half-timer,
Indeed, football is a proxy for manhood in this glorious culture of ours, and since you’ve decided to forgo that route toward manly expression, I’d suggest some compensation tactics to use during the Super Bowl party. For instance, make sure to tense your stomach muscles constantly ... so strong and rock-hard that if some guy sucker punches you in the breadbasket you’re hardly going to flinch. You must also maintain a stoic gaze, directed far off into the unknown future of humanity, so far that any football-related goof you make will be excused by the fact that your priorities are far higher than a mere game played by fallible individuals flinging around an oblate spheroid and piling themselves in senseless piles of meat. And finally, your posture must be like that of a finely manufactured 2x4 hammered firmly into the ground. Remember, as long as you maintain an absolute sense of 100 percent pure masculine presence, you can be OK with not caring about football. Otherwise, you are a communist wimp.
– Sincerely, Diver