Joey, from Velorution, prefers to be called Miss Cuddles.

Diver: Joey from Velorution Cycles
Interesting facts: According to NASA, by 2100 Durango will be a scorching desert ruin – enjoy it while it lasts!

Dear Diver,
I recently started taking up yoga again and have a problem. Seems all that bending and twisting and inverting leads to some surprise announcements from my digestive tract, if you know what I mean. Needless to say, this is quite embarrassing in a quiet room full of strangers who are trying to be all serious. I’ve tried everything – not eating or drinking before class, jumping jacks, standing on my head – and I still can’t help escape the occasional squeaker. I know yoga’s supposed to be about love and acceptance and all that, but I am mortified. Please diver, help me overcome my gaseous emissions.
– Downward and Out

Dear Gross,
I’ll refrain from attempting to cure you of your indelicate gastrointestinal symptoms and instead proceed directly to the root of your problem: yoga pants. Have you not heard that Lululemon is recalling approximately all of the yoga pants they’ve ever made because they are transparent? It’s a little-known-but-absolutely-true fact that they are so thin they will, through some sort of gaseous osmosis, actually draw embarrassing emissions from your body. Indeed, that poor Montana politician that wants to outlaw yoga pants isn’t getting hot and bothered by all the young yuppie chicks moving into his state. He’s just trying to avoid a public-flatulence crisis in Big Sky Country. So to solve your dilemma, simply begin doing yoga in jeans. When you can wrangle yourself into all the positions wearing your Wranglers, you will have achieved yoga perfection – without adding to the aroma of incense.
– Glad to solve that one for you, the Diver

Dear Diver,
Please help settle a common kitchen conundrum: how do you know when feta cheese has gone bad? Does it smell good?
– Nosy Nelly

Dear Nell’s Nose,
You know a cheese has a problem when its name sounds essentially the same as “fetid.”  My rule of thumb for making sure my wife isn’t trying to poison me is that the salad cheese should never be entirely coated in mold. Bon appétit!
– It will NEVER smell good, the Diver

Dear Diver,
My wife and I just found out we are expecting our first child next summer. We are elated but feel woefully unprepared. We have decided not to find out the sex of the baby ahead of time, but are drawing a blank when it comes to names. We want something unique and cool but not too “out there” or hard to spell. What are the diver’s ideas for the best new baby names for 2015?
– Expecting

Dear Gremlin-Maker,
I would suggest one of two routes to perfection here. First up, the gender switch: Boy’s names have been popular with girls for quite a while now. You don’t even have to be very creative – “Elliot,” for example, sounds pretty avant-garde when applied to a girl.  So resolve to call your potential girl “Jackson” and your potential boy “Charlotte.”  Not much to go wrong there! Secondly, you can stealthily recall just how much people have come to think of their pets as children by naming your children as pets! “Rover” would make a great (and very descriptive) name for a boy. And what little girl wouldn’t love “Miss Cuddles?”
– Have fun with the diapers, the Diver