Dana, ever the mulitasker, can play guitar and rub her pussy at the same time.

Diver: Dana Mastrangelo, from the Black Out Gurlz
Interesting facts: My first kiss was with musician and author Amanda Palmer.

Dear Diver,
What is with lame people trying to return used stuff to the store? I work at a store where people actually have the audacity to come in and buy expensive ski clothes off the rack and return them – sometimes later that same day – still soaking wet! And then when you ask if they wore them they lie to your face. Or people who return things they bought a year or more ago. Please help me deal with these customers, who obviously are not always right.
– Fed Up

Dear K-Fed,
I have terrible news, and this news is that people will continue to do this forever. It’s one of those ingenious life hacks that enabled me to go to prom in a $300 dress for free. Really, you just gotta change your policy. Maybe set some serious standards of retribution if someone tries to return something, greatly encouraging people to stop. For instance, upon returning their items force them to sit through some absolutely terrible horror flick? Perhaps “Human Centipede,” followed by the sequel? Or worse: make them watch young white boys freestyle rap battle outside their high school. This will be terrible, I promise. Get creative, the power is yours.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
When does one officially become a full-fledged “Durangotang?” Is it a certain age, the clothes you wear, the number of skis in one’s garage, a set amount of time living here or is it simply a state of mind? Is there some sort of initiation involved? I am feeling lately like I may have reached “Durangotang” status, but still looking for a sign.
–  Durangolame

Dear Durango-wannabe,
I suppose it’s subjective. It may have been when you bought your first pair of Chacos, got that single teensy weensy dread behind your ear in the dorms, or grew to love hairy pitted girls. But shoot, you may have asked the wrong individual. Though I’ve lived in Durango for almost three years now, I don’t ski, smoke weed, nor listen to jam bands. I don’t even drink beer. However, I have looked like an absolute fool flipping over and eating shit through Smelter in an inflatable tube, and cried like a boy dumped on prom night. This has to count for something, right?
– Diver

Dear Diver,
Help! I think email is taking over my life. Lately, I have found myself answering emails at all hours of the day and night - I recently even emailed a client at 3 a.m. Is this normal or is there something wrong with me? Or do I just need to get a life. Please, help me find the “off” button!
– Hit Send

Dear Return to Sender,
It sounds like you have too much of a life rather than needing one. Didn’t your parents ever tell you it’s bad etiquette to call someone’s house after 8 p.m.? The same can be said for someone’s email inbox. But I’ll stop critiquing your manners and offer empathy. It seems you might have trouble managing your time, or relaxing when you have down time. Valentine’s Day is coming up and the person you need to be concerned with taking care of most is yourself. Perform some bold act of self love. Wait, I have the perfect idea. Attend this year’s “Vagina Monologue” performance on Thurs., March 5 and Fri., March 6, at 7 p.m. at the Durango Arts Center. All proceeds go to wonderful SASO. Did I just shamelessly use you to advertise the play I’m directing? Yes, yes I did.?
– Diver