Michael shoots himself.

Diver: Michael Ackerman, chancellor of alpine fun, aquatic crazy and all things safe.
Interesting facts: I am not a special snowflake.

Dear diver,
I have a friend coming to town who’s always been a big conspiracy nut, a personality quirk I’ve always tolerated. However, over the last few years I’ve seen the light about the absolute absurdity of these modern-day fairy tales that he believes in whole-heartedly. I know he’s going to bring up some B.S. about the latest crap he uncritically read from some idiot website, but I’m afraid I’m going to let loose on him in a potentially friendship-ending tirade. I’ve fantasized endlessly about confronting and verbally destroying some Alex Jones type, but when it comes to someone I care about who fits that description...well, let’s just say, any advice?
– Sincerely, Sheeple McPeople

Dear Sheeps,
That which we resist, persists! If you don’t attempt to enlighten this poor lad, prepare yourself for a lifetime of discussions concerning non-flapping moon flags and the melting point of steel. If the Diver gleaned anything from his days in the monkey suit, it’s that life is too short for intellectual laziness. If you truly care about this bloke, you owe it to Captain Conspiracy to call out the stupid and help him cultivate a more rational template for creating meaning out of the world. Ask yourself, do I really want to move forward in what little time I have on this planet entertaining the irrational diatribes of the aforementioned ignoramus? If yes, your continued tolerance of his perspective is just as crazy. When you label those around you sheep, you’re acknowledging you’re part of the flock. Humans display a natural tendency toward close-mindedness, our brains preferring the speed that pre-conceived notions and personal biases provide. It takes practice and courage to over-ride the minds’ highly evolved preference. Filling in difficult blanks with answers that calm our anxieties and quell our fears is much easier than asking the tough questions. Be brave, be strong, Mr. McPeople. The truth is a scary space to inhabit these days.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
One and for all, please help solve this syntax conundrum: how to pronounce the words “meme.” Is it “meem,” “mem,” “mimi,” or “mayme?” And more importantly, what does it mean, or should I say “meme?”
– Meme, Myself and I

Dear Memo,
Meme, like theme in both pronunciation and meaning. And today’s theme is unplug, disconnect and go “like” something through direct participation in the natural world. But be sure to instaface it to Reddit for more Kharma points.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
I think this whole Animas River natural disaster thing might actually be good for the town, in keeping us off some “Top 10” and “Best Of” lists. I mean, maybe it will stop the influx of people moving here and real estate prices won’t be so exorbitant and the people who already live here can actually afford to live here. I say I’m an optimist for finding the silver lining, but my friends tell me I’m a negatist. Well, what does the diver think? Am I right or am I right?
– Polly Anna

Dear Polly,
Not to worry, Durango is sure to put the “fun” in Superfund! There is so much good resulting from this recent catastrophe on the rio that there’s no time for negative thoughts. High water will paint a mustard colored bathtub ring on the river’s banks, the beauty of which is sure to rival that of Powell or Mead. Low water now provides outfitters an opportunity for night floats. Launching in the dark to churn up some history, passengers will see the lost souls swim by like they’re on a bioluminescent boat tour in the Caribe. And look out Colombia; we now have our own River of Five Colors for DATO to market, “Come to the Animas River and witness seasonal hints of a bygone era bubbling with all shades of orange, yellow, brown, gray and rust, playfully tumbling through our colorful mountain hamlet.” Clearly, our new and improved natural wonder will continue to enthrall visitors and locals alike. This will inevitably lead to an influx of new residents, accelerate development and place us on more “Top Ten” lists. For when the Powerhouse Commons is voted “Best New Condo Complex in the Colorado River Watershed,” we’ll all realize this so-called disaster and the subsequent displacement of our neighbors was actually a total blessing. Durango will spin to win. Remember to keep it positive sister!
– Diver