 Collin, aka Turtle Boy, from Ski Barn. |
Interesting Facts: You are simultaneously the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be
Dear Diver,
Now that pot is legal, it seems like people think they have license to be stoned all the time. I work in a busy restaurant during the breakfast shift, and a good three-quarters of the staff is high as a kite. People, first of all, it’s morning time, must you wake and bake? Secondly, work is not considered “recreation,” and the rest of the world does not want to wait while you figure your shit out on the computer, mess up orders and stare off into space. Please, diver, help us help you.
– Fed Up
Dear morning person,
Looks like you’re stuck in between a stoner and a pancake. Don’t try and claw out of this one, things will get mushy. Instead, go to work wasted. If you’re three sheets to the wind, you won’t care about the spoons your co-workers are licking or the fun they’re having. Don’t worry about the job either. People eating here are either locals (high themselves) or tourists from Texas (a day without breakfast will do them good), so you really can’t even screw up your job. Have some fun with it.
– Breakfast w/ a side of Diver
Dear Diver,
The other day something went mysteriously missing from my front yard, only to show up in my neighbor’s yard. They claimed they had no idea how it got there, but I have my suspicions. I don’t want to start a neighbor war, but how do I let them know this is not acceptable and I’ve got my eyes on them – in a neighborly way, of course.
– Neighborhood Watch
Dear lawn cop,
It’s not a war if the enemy is crushed instantly. All you need to do is wait for the neighbors to leave and then crane lift their house “mysteriously” into your front yard. When they come back, merely claim you have no idea what happened. They will be angry, so offer them baked goods, filled with Ex-lax of course. Once they have the juicy squirts with nowhere to go, they will be broken. Others on the block will see what happened and get the message. And as an added bonus, you now have a new rental property and I bet you know somebody who needs a place.
– Secretary of Lawn Defense
Dear Diver,
So, I have this casual friend, we’ll call him “Dave.” Anyway, every time, I run into Dave, all we wants to do is talk my ear off about himself. I could be standing there bleeding from the head, and he wouldn’t even notice as he blathered on incessantly about how he rode his bike here, kayaked there, skied at this place – sometimes all in the same day. He is a nice enough guy, but I find myself starting to avoid him. How can I give him the hint that a little less self-talk will go a long way.
– Dave’s Fave
Dear Davette,
If he just needs a hint, pop out a boob. That works every time. But it’s not that simple, is it? Because Dave is a douche and you know it. Might as well wear a mirror over your face to get his attention. Why don’t you let him kayak down the river and let someone else ski up into your life (hint: I’m single). I’ll tell you how I’m the best skier on the mountain, but only if you ask.
– Dave’s not here
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