The Wildcat suffers from GTES, or Googly Third Eye Syndrome.

Diver: The Wildcat
Interesting Facts: Once an old man saw a boy throwing starfish into the ocean after they had washed up with the tide. “There are too many to save them all,” said the old man. “Wait ... these things are alive? Gross!” said the boy, as he started crushing as many as he could for no reason.
 

Dear Diver,
After years of owning big to medium-sized dogs, my wife has decided she wants a small dog. But I’m just not sure I can go there. I mean, she doesn’t expect me to walk that thing, does she? In public? Not to sound overly macho, but I don’t think my masculinity can take it. I’m all for little dogs – just in someone else’s back yard.
– NIMBY (Not in My Back Yard)

Dear LDS (Little Dog Syndrome),
You have a couple options to deal with your apparent need to compensate. First, and most obvious, you can just get an overly large truck with custom exhaust and speed up and down Main, racing other guys with large trucks and small dogs. Or you can get your wife 10 small dogs instead of one, train them to stand on each other, walk as one, bark in unison, and name them Legion. And when you’re on Animal Planet’s “America’s Most Extreme Pets: Talent Show Edition” hosted by Random Former Child Star, you’ll look back and thank me, because no one will be questioning your masculinity. Just maybe your sanity.

“All great ideas are at first insane to a mind not as insanely great as mine.”
– Russell Crowe playing the Wildcat playing Abraham Lincoln in a movie that would be awesome.

Dear Diver,
So, something has always perplexed me in the music world. How come they always say “country and western?” I understand what country is, but what is this so-called “western” music of which they speak?
–  All Ears

Dear All Ears,
I’m not sure who “they” are, and why they are always talking about country and western, but I’m going to have to assume you embarrassingly live at home with your aging parents. The country and western genre was coined in the early ’40s when “hillbilly” music started taking over the western ballads of ranch houses and open ranges. Eventually the “western” was dropped, and now we have songs about sexy tractors and creepy old men having red solo cup parties with college youths instead of loping rhythms about the streets of Laredo. Since we’re on the subject of the early ’40s...you’re in them. Maybe it’s time you found your own place.
– Git along, little dogie, The Diver

Dear Diver,
The other day, I overheard an old codger referring to this said fine publication as a “commie rag.” What exactly does that mean? A pair of Stalin’s old underpants? Or Fidel Castro’s neckerchiefs? Or maybe it’s forwarding the hidden agenda of Vladimir Putin? Please help me understand – I thought the Cold War was over. Or is it???
–  McCarthy

Dear McCarthy, aka All Ears, again...
I see what’s going on here. Could “old codger” mean your father, and “overheard” mean him yelling at you for writing to a paper about his antiquated labeling of music genres instead of getting a “real job” instead of “whatever the h- a blogger is?” The only Cold War going on right now is the passive aggressive way you keep complaining to strangers about your parents. Anonymity can’t hide the rent-free shame forever. At least, that’s what my older roommates who are definitely not related to me say. Which reminds me, I need to go pick up my room before I get in trouble.

P.S. “Commie rag” is simply old-people code for “this is not Walter Cronkite or my large print edition of Readers Digest, so get off my lawn and turn down that rock and roll devil music.”
– The Diver