Dear Diver,

You know the old mountain town saying, “You don’t lose your girlfriend, you just lose your turn?” Well, I just lost my turn – to one of my best friends. Unfortunately, I am having a hard time dealing with being on the losing end and dreading any and all social interaction with the new happy couple. Durango’s a small town, so I know I can only avoid it for so long. Please help me be the bigger man.

– Awkward Ex

Dear Awkie,

My condolences for your loss. Alas, these are the facts: when one lives in a tiny town, such as Durango, where the dating pool is more like a springtime mud puddle at the base of Chapman Hill, these sorts of situations are bound to happen. But as is the case in most human relationship scenarios, it is always better to take the high road. Up on your perch you’ll not only have an excellent vantage point from which to look down on the “new happy couple” but you will also gain the advantage of perspective through the scope of your gun ... er, the scope of time.As for being the bigger man, the only way to solve that is for the two of you gentleman to stand, side by side, in your birthday suits. I recommend doing this on the stage at Taste of Durango to settle that question once and for all.

Most importantly, remember that when she is dancing down the street, biting her lip, in her nuclear boots and drip dry gloves that her suede blue eyes are likely to lock on a new boy soon, and when she does, he won’t know the real surprise.

–Trevor Ocasek

Dear Diver,

Please help settle a difference of opinion among spouses. I think all new clothes should be washed before wearing because god only knows what sorts of cooties or chemicals they harbor. My husband, on the other hand, wears stuff right off the rack, with no qualms - even underwear! I am sure this is going to give him cancer or some other unspeakable STD. He says I’m being paranoid. Who is right?

– Clean Queen

Dear Cee Que,

This is really quite simple, your husband in RIGHT. Riddle me this: Would you hose out the interior of your new model-year automobile? When you stumble upon a brand-spanking new website, do you wash you hands before entering? With the exception of clothing items that are purchased at the thrift store there is simply no reason to prewash. And remember, there is a thin pink line between being a clean queen and being a bitchy one. Oh, and just so we’re clear, the only sexually transmitted cancers are those of the Zodiak, born between June 21 - July 22, but they ARE the deadliest.

– Your crabby bridegroom, Tee

Dear Diver,

A friend recently borrowed my car and returned the tank empty. WTF? Isn’t that the unspoken rule that when you use someone’s car, you either fill the tank all the way or at least replace what you used. How do I politely remind him of this unspoken rule of the road?

– Running on E

Dear GOD MAN,

What in the farce were you thinking!? You must be insane! For Pete’s sake, I mean, REALLY?! You must be mad, off your rocker, over the cuckoo’s nest, bonkers or otherwise N-U-T-Q nuts!!! What’s next, you let him steal your girlfriend and take her out to social gatherings while dressed in recently purchased clothes that have yet to be laundered?

–Trevving your engine                                                            

In a sticky situation?