Dear Diver,
I am visiting Durango for the summer from Australia and have a few questions:
- Why is it that absolutely no one in this town (and Colorado) seems to care about sun protection? I have seen 10-year-olds with skin that has the appearance of a well worn handbag, never mind the horror of a native’s 30-year-old cleavage. Or neck, ugh!
- Why does no one wear sun hats (or take care of their skin)?
- Why at the Animas River Days, which I totally enjoyed, did the city not even turn on the drinking fountains?
- Off the subject by why did you elect an adult woman with a baby’s name for mayor?
– Enjoying my time here hugely! Kit

Dear kit,
You’ve got a lot of questions, but I’m here to help. It’s pretty simple to recognize that an individual’s lack of sun protection has direct correlation to the degree they find tan skin attractive. My friends and family in New Jersey insist a bronze complexion is key in reaching conventional beauty standards. However, people from Jersey also think Bon Jovi’s “Living on a Prayer” should be played at every wedding, so take their opinions lightly.

 As far as sun hats go, they aren’t the most common Durango attire but finding a local in a sun hat is not like spotting a rare bird. Are sun hats essential in Australia? Must a person acquire a plethora of sun hats in order to visit? If I were to arrive sunhat-less would everyone point/stare/laugh? You have me filled to the brim with anxiety.

I apologize if you were dehydrated during River Days, however the more common objective was to consume beverages far different from water. (Read also: liquor).

I commend you for your last question, because it required me to google what her name is, and it’s absolutely rad: Sweetie Marbury. While I found the phrasing of your question “name-shaming,” I’m delighted that our mayor’s name sounds like a high-calorie dessert.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
So, my roommate got this new boyfriend. He’s OK I guess (and I’ll give him this much, he does have great hair.) But he is always over. I am beginning to think he spends more time at my house than I do. Should we start charging him rent?
– SWF

Dear Jennifer Jason Leigh,
I recognize you’re within an unfavorable juxtaposition. I suggest you skillfully merge your admiration for his hair with a demand for the rent I believe you rightfully deserve. For example, state with passion “Your hair is irrefutable proof of the existence of a benevolent, omniscient and divine God. You are going to pay rent or you are going to sleep on the porch.” 

If this method does not work, try a popular form of Japanese poetry:
Your hair is magnif
But as of today, you pay us
Four hundred monthly
Then thank Matsuo Basho, who has provided us all the delicate directness of the haiku since the late 19th century.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
My boyfriend is a big kayaker and keeps pushing me to learn, too. Only problem is, I am terrified at the thought of being upside down in the water and pretty much panic at the thought of it. I really like him and don’t want him to think I’m a wuss. How do I show him I can be adventurous and brave without killing myself?
– Eddie Flower

Dear Fish out of Water,
Do not get in the water. Convincing your boyfriend you are adventurous and brave will not require kayaking, rather this is the time to entirely dismantle any preconceived ideologies he had of what type of individual you may or may not be. A beginning step could be unexpectedly purchasing a crazy party hat. Look awful in hats? Alter your daily routine with a morning keg stand. Underage? Surprise your man with impeccable fluency in the Swahili language. Bahati nzuri, kuchanua! (“Good luck, flower!”)

In a sticky situation?