Diver: Maxwell Yousse
Interesting fact: Maxwell knows that the only true place to ponder life’s mysteries is above 14,000 feet; everything seems simpler when your brain is low on oxygen.

Maxwell scours the horizon for answers.

Dear Diver,
Whilst seeking out a ripe, edible banana of the singular sort at the grocery store the other day, I was overcome with a sense of guilt for breaking and attempting to slide and isolate the banana of my eye from the bunch. As we all recall, there exists the green plastic wrap surrounding said bunch. Is it more appropriate to peel the plastic band off and re-attach after securing the prize, or just slide the plastic down and slip the ‘naner out? I could sure use some help with my guilt.
– Slippery in the Store

Dear Slippery at Store,
Honestly my first response to this question would be to get an orange instead but when you need a ‘naner, you need a ‘naner. If the shaming management of your favorite grocery store did not want their patrons buying singular bananas than they wouldn’t sell them by the pound. From the lowly banana’s perspective, that band is but an instrument of oppression like a pair of too tight pants; so snap that strap and buy your fruit with pride my friend.
– Signed, B-A-N-A-N-A-S 
 

 

Dear Diver,
Every time I have a garage sale, it seems like there’s at least one thief. You know, someone who loiters, leaves, comes back and then slips off with some of your stuff like you won’t notice. Most recently, it was an older gent who made off with some CDs. Here’s my question: what is the proper response to people who steal at garage sales? I mean, isn’t that the lowest of the low? Should we shame them or are they really that hard up that we should just let it go and consider it charity?
– Bargain Hunter

Dear Bargain Hunter,
Stealing a $2 Celine Dion CD from a complete stranger seems like the activity of a full blown skeeze-ball. As much as it seems like it would be satisfying to tell these deviants off, the “Uh…” clatter of dropped merchandise and patter of the fleeing criminal’s footfalls will only leave you with the bitter taste of disappointment on your mental pallet. I’m not saying you should let some punk run off with your first edition “Dark Side” release but have faith that someday these front lawn pirates will be robbed blind by a George Clooney-esque bandit or at least receive a horrifying STD.
– Signed, Karmic G.S.

 

Dear Diver,
So, I’ve lived in Durango for about 17 years, all of which time I have been an avid boater. For the last 16 of those years, we always referred to it as the “32nd Street” put-in. But now, all of a sudden, it’s being called “33rd Street,” which seems strange since, technically, there is no 33rd Street. What gives? Is the City trying to confuse people by naming it after a street that doesn’t exist?
– Old Kid on the Block

Dear Old Kid on the Block,
This is a tough situation; on one hand you have people who will latch onto “the way things used to be” much too long and miss out on the awesome present, on the other hand you have the folks who are already calling it 34th Street put-in because they heard the barista at Magpies call it that. Either way, people will avoid conversing with you. My advice would be to just keep on preaching the good word. Street lingo persists on well beyond any mere government decree or street naming fad.
– Signed, Preachin’ the Word


In a sticky situation?

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