Dear Diver,
The local skunk population has taken to using my back yard for late-night (as in 3 a.m.) amorous interludes. As you can imagine, the ensuing “eau de skunk love” that flows in my open windows is hideous. It infiltrates my entire house with noxious fumes, making it impossible to sleep, let alone breathe. And it happens at least once or twice a week. What suggestions does the diver have for keeping the odiferous critters from using my yard for their rompous orgies?
– Sleepless on Sixth Ave.

Dear Sleepless on Sixth Ave,
I honestly don’t think you have a problem here. This is just Mother Nature’s way of saying, “Join in!” What better a time than 3 a.m. to smell Pepé le Pew magic everywhere? Ah, the smell of love. When in Rome, right? Play some good tunes to help speed up the process, with windows closed tight so the skunks don’t hear you.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
So years ago, I did something that will live on in infamy with my friends and earned me a stupid nickname (which I can’t repeat here for fear of further heckling.) Of course the name stuck, but now that I am older and more mature, and trying to pursue a “real” job, the name haunts me. How can I escape the scourge of my past and remind people that I have a real name and to please use it.
– Call me Al

Dear Al,
Your pain is felt. I too had to deal with faulty nicknames, which shall not be mentioned. Maybe a visible tattoo with your name on it or perhaps an ink stamp saying “Call me Al!” that you carry on hand at all times. This should let people know who you are. But hey, Al, if your nickname isn’t “Ivan Vonstinky Pants” or “Hippie Stank,” you should just embrace it. And once you shrug your shoulders and do your best version of “I just don’t care,” it might die down. Let it be known that Al might be royally embarrassed for life, but he honestly doesn’t care! But then again, leaving the country is an option too.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
What’s up with the street names in this town? Forget the 2 a.m. drunks mixing up Avenues and Streets on any given night, many of the major road names are downright misleading. An easy fix would be to solicit corporate sponsorship for the renaming of these streets. Among other obvious benefits, the new names will ensure compliance with the pernicious urgency overtaking our beloved town. For example, we could host “The Florida 5000™.” Since we’re already running de facto time trials up this road in all categories – from Prius to Coal Roll – why not issue prize money for each nanosecond eliminated from the world record for this extremely technical 5000-foot long, 1-mile course? Some other lucrative name change/events could be the “32nd Street Dash™,” “Mainline Avenue Raceway™,” “College Hill Climb™,” and “Wildcat Rally Rampage™.” Don’t forget the “Roosa Road Rage Rumble™” or the “Grandview Garroter Grand Prix™,” all worthy of sponsorship. And finally, let’s just add “MPH” to the bottom of all numbered county road signs. At least then we’d be honest with ourselves, and flood the town with corporate dollars while we’re at it!
– Road Ravaged

Dear Road Ravaged-
These are all great ideas! Maybe we should just turn Durango into one giant Nascar race. With Roundabout rules and left turns only, we will eventually make a right, right? We’ll line the highways with Zia’s and Miracle Whip signs for sponsorship, in colors complimenting the mountain views. Or perhaps a time-trials event for the fastest Prius around Vallecito. Fastest lap with most MPG wins. Maybe an event called Slowdown is in order, where we do just the opposite. “If you ain’t first, you’re last!” someone once said. Here’s some tags to get you started... #yolo #durangocarrally #don’tslowdown.
– Diver

In a sticky situation?