Dear Diver,

Like many things in Durango, it seems there are two ways to pronounce “Wapiti” when referring to the run at Purgatory. There are some folks who take the common pronunciations “wop-EEE-dee” and there’s a few who run it all together and say “WOP-pity” (rhymes with “boppity.”) Please help settle this confusing take on local nomenclature, preferably before the next big storm.

– Goes Both Ways

Dear Swinger,

“Preferably before the next big storm”? OK, I’ll just put this on hold until March or so ... wait, there’s a 0.05 percent chance of snow this weekend, so you’re spared. Anyone who visits or moves to our fair burg realizes very quickly that things are not always as they seem. For instance – how should you know, when asking for directions to Bread, it’s a secret way for us D-town dwellers to determine if you’re an outdoorsy, vaguely hippie-like outsider, or an outdoorsy, vaguely hippie-like resident? (Other than the fact that you don’t know where Bread is, of course.) The Weminuche is another one – my favorite pronunciation is “train-served, gaper-trashed basins” whoops, meant to say “WEE-man-OO-chee.” As for Wapiti at Purg – I’m no skier. So yeah – not gonna be able to help you out there.  Sorry.

– Good luck with that, the dee-VER

Dear Diver,

So my girlfriend has an overly friendly dog who is fond of jumping up on people. I think it’s rude and am constantly telling him to get down, but she thinks it’s “cute” and considers it a “hug.” How do I convince her, delicately, that not everyone wants a sloppy, muddy hug from an oversized puppy without hurting her feelings?

– All Paws

Dear Cat-lover-Republican,

Sacrilege! You don’t want a HUG from a DOG? Why do you even live in Durango, or Colorado?  I bet you don’t like beer or bicycles either. How many guns do you own? How many giant lifted diesel trucks? You don’t want a HUG from a DOG?  Just move back to Texas or Wyoming! I bet you can pick your NRA membership up where you left off. You don’t want a HUG from a DOG??!

Or, you could just try telling your girlfriend that you don’t want her dog jumping on you all the time.  It’s not that hard to understand – just ask her to instill some good manners in her unruly pup, please and thank you.

– No HUGS from DOGS, please, the Diver

Dear Diver,

Every year after the holidays, my husband goes on the wagon until Snowdown. He is trying to convince me to join him, but I think I would rather he just be the designated wagon driver. Is a month of sobriety really worth it? Won’t my system go into shock if I suddenly quit cold turkey?

– Boxed In

Dear Box Wine Aficionado,

Two things immediately come to mind. #1: Everything in moderation. If your husband drinks, why arbitrarily quit for 1/12th of the year, unless he feels bad about the other 11/12ths? And, #2: Everything in moderation. If your system goes into shock because you quit drinking, that’s a pretty good sign that moderation isn’t part of your drinking routine. Here’s my draconian prescription to restore moderation, beginning with extreme prohibition to counter your last 11 hazy, sodden months: Quit drinking now, and for the duration of the winter. If you can successfully avoid drinking through both the drunken orgy that is Snowdown and the remainder of the dark, cold nights of winter, then you will both know you’re not alcoholics.  Then, and only then, will it be safe to open up, like a flower in spring, to occasional watering with some delicious Mexican Logger or even box wine, if you must.  Have fun detoxing!

– This may or may not be the worst advice ever given, the Diver

In a sticky situation?