Jack, from Seattle, and your grass-fed nightmares.

Diver: Jack from Chocolati Café in Seattle

Interesting Facts: Jack is a native Durangotang and art student-turned-barista who still can’t make latte art.

Dear Diver,
I am in a winter wine conundrum. Because it is cold and wintery, I know I should be switching to a warm and rich cabernet or spicy merlot. But I still find myself craving a buttery and cool Chardonnay. What’s a wino to do?

– Wino

Wino:

While the rich, warm notes of a fine red wine do wonders to compliment your holiday ham and combat the sub-zero temperatures that each winter season brings, I am a firm believer in the “to each their own” mentality, and this year I encourage you to ask yourself, “wine not?” I suggest filling a large Nalgene with your boxed wine of choice and sneaking over the fence into your neighbor’s hot tub for an after-hours soak. This way your chilled vino will keep you cool and your thirst quenched, while drinking in the hot tub will give you a buzz you won’t soon remember – er, forget!

– The Anti-Wine Snob

Dear Diver,

Since when has grocery shopping in Durango become a full-contact sport? Sometimes, walking into City Market is like walking into the Coliseum. The cart rage has reached a new high and going anytime after work or on a Saturday is downright suicidal. Please, diver, give me some tips for picking up some milk and eggs without feeling like I’m stepping into mortal combat.

– Basket Case

Basket:

I’ve got one word for you: sustainability. Now, this may just sound like a neo-liberal buzzword from your grass-fed nightmares, but the DIY trend is really taking off and cultivating your own food has never been more Pinteresting. You’re just one Google search away from countless chicken coop construction How-To articles, and there have never been so many cows for sale on Craigslist! I assure you that harvesting your own hard-earned eggs and milk will make you the talk of the town by farmer’s market season, not to mention cut down how much time you spend playing bumper carts in the dairy section at City Market.

– Farmer Jack

Dear Diver,

I am a senior in high school and my parents are pressuring me to go to college. I think I want to go eventually but am lobbying for a “gap year” to figure it all out. My parents, of course, are worried I’ll never go back to school and end up a loser. How do I convince them I’m not going to run off and join the circus or end up in a van down by the river?

– Senioritis

Señor,

As a fairly recent high school grad that struggles with this decision myself, I’m speaking from a place of experience when I tell you that a college degree won’t necessarily save you from a career in the circus or a van down by the river. In fact, I would suggest explaining to your parents that a secure job with opportunities to travel and a living situation that doesn’t involve you in their basement is something a lot of college grads would kill for. If you don’t know exactly what you want to do with your life, don’t spend thousands per semester just to drink PBR and sleep through your 8 a.m. lectures. Try casually mentioning how nice your old bedroom would look converted into a Bikram yoga studio and you’ll be on a red-eye to India by graduation night!

– The Graduate