Dear Diver,
What is a polite/tactful and/or covert way of avoiding people who are obviously sick? I am not a germaphobe, but sometimes, I will run into a friend who will be obviously and visibly under the weather but proceed to cough on or hug me anyway. Gross. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think they were deliberately trying to get me sick. How do I come off as sympathetic yet firm in telling them to keep their distance?
–Cruddy Friend

Dear Crud,
When I meet someone who is obviously sick, I feel an actual gravitational pull. Because usually this person has just executed a SICK jump from some total-gnar whatever. At that point, I shall tag along because (s)he is so SICK and I hope (s)he IS CONTAGIOUS. “Please, let me be so sick, thank you very much!” is what I’d verbalize softly, but emphatically. I would like very much to become super-sick so that I can execute some sick moves of my own and totally rule, like that one dude I saw the other day who totally destroyed everything that totally sucked.
I am not certain why you avoid becoming sick.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
I have been dating this guy for two years, but really not into it for the last year. He is a really nice guy, just no chemistry. Every time I suggest taking some time “off,” he gets emotional, so I back off. I have now reverted to the age-old tactic of being mean to him in the hopes he’ll dump me. But it isn’t working. In fact, he seems perfectly content with my complete and utter disinterest. Help! How much longer till he clues in? I can’t go on being mean forever. It’s like torturing a puppy.
– Mean Girl

Dear Mean Girl,
I have some age-old tricks that I’d like to share with you. Take him to an area overlook, look him in the eye, then imitate a whale while vocalizing the magnificent call of our local marmot friends. If that doesn’t work, boast freely about how the restraining order put upon you by Scott Stapp, lead singer of Creed, forced you to relocate. When all else fails, politely tell him that you would like to break up.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
On my last trip to the big city, a jaunt through Urban Outfitters revealed that mom jeans are back in style. My question: for the love of God, why???? And more importantly, what can we do to stop this evil trend from going any farther and destroying more lives than it already has?
– Kam L. Toe

Dear KLT,
I immediately wonder what you mean by “Mom Jeans,” especially in regards to your own age, and what you perceive your mom to have worn. In particular, I wonder softly if your mother did don a denim style, caustically altered (so-called, “acid-wash”), like a bottom-half personification of a summer’s day, white-on-blue, dappled like clouds in an August sky ... tapered slightly to a peg at the cuff, leaving a slight amount of ankle above the sock.

Slightly off-topic, did your mother wear her bangs boldly upward in a fountain-like claw, sculpted perfectly like a splendid geyser frozen perfectly in time? I am curious if she would be interested in stopping by my apartment sometime so that her and I could sit on my love-seat together while listening to my cassingle of “High Enough” by Damn Yankees.
– Diver

In a sticky situation?