Dear Diver,
The other day, I waited for 45 minutes for what should have been a quick, easy routine procedure for my kid. Since he wasn’t bleeding from my eyeballs or in immense pain, I stuck it out. I know docs get backed up, but our time is valuable too. And trying to entertain an 8-year-old for 45 minutes in a waiting room isn’t exactly fun. What does common courtesy dictate as the cutoff for raising a stink or walking out in protest?
– Lady in Waiting

Dear Lady of the Patient,
I know what you mean. It’s crazy how much health care everybody needs. Perfectly healthy people getting check ups; the chronically ill getting treated; the clumsy needing maintenance and repairs. And let’s not forget the unlucky, the unfortunate, and those who can’t stay out of the way. It’s surprising to me that the “docs” are stereotyped as playing a lot of golf; which by the way takes several hours, even if you’re good. Plus the greens fees, the club dues, the cabin at Electra; it’s no wonder they charge so much. I’m certain if you web searched the aforementioned “routine procedure” you’d get at least 10 youtube videos of how to, why you should and the consequences of preforming it yourself. Please wait here as I will be right back with the docs apologies.
– Physicians Asst. Black

Dear Diver,
Every time I go to a certain grocery store, I am asked several times by various employees if “I am finding everything OK?” I try to answer politely, but after a while it gets a little old. Is this some sort of secret code or cult thing? If I say “no” will I be taken to a back room and given the secret to eternal enlightenment? Or is it my own fault for looking lost and confused all the time? And if so, how does one look “found?”
–  Looking for Answers

Dear Myopic Mary;
I’m sorry to say that there is no “cult” or secret code they are waiting to hear that will “show you the way.” What you have been experiencing is the latest trend in employee sales productivity. By distracting you from the mental list, you’ve committed to memory to prove once and for all that the medical marijuana card you’ve got is not affecting your life, the store hopes your stoned-self will impulse buy the shiny, sugary, salty high mark-up items instead of the food you need. First, eye drops; they help with looking found and what I mean here is not stoned. Second, stay to the edges of the store. It’s just easier to get around and avoid folks. Third, and this may actually be the most important step, write that shit down! Then you can actively listen to and experience one of my favorite Clash songs.
– I.M. Kroger

Dear Diver,
My husband keeps eating all my ice cream. The worst part is, when I go to the freezer for a little after-dinner treat, there is half a bite at the bottom of an empty container, which does no one any good. Is he trying to purposely tick me off or is he gently trying to tell me I really don’t need any ice cream? I don’t know if I should be mad or grateful.|
–  No Spooning

Dear Spoon Man’s Woman;
I think that you have seriously over estimated your husband’s motives. As a member of the male species, I often am completely unaware of my actions, motives, intention, let alone my ulterior motives. You are caught in a horrible vortex of Male Pattern Cognitive Dissonance, an eddy of greater expanding unawareness that to the female species is just below the horizon line of your emotional understanding. MPCD is a real and as of yet incurable disease that affects nearly half of the entire planet! Think about that, nearly HALF! Being a woman it is your duty to use your superior intellect and cunning to outwit your husband. A very common tactic is to distract by hiding it in plain sight. You can in essence use MPCD to your advantage. Which is probably why nobody is doing anything about MPCD. Or … learn to love the stuff you know he can’t stand? Is there such a thing as vegan ice cream?
– President and proud member of the MPCD Durango Chapter

In a sticky situation?