Dear Diver,
How is it that Durango in-town mail goes all the way to Albuquerque and back before getting delivered and STILL arrives sooner then back when it was sorted locally? It totally defies logic not to mention the laws of physics. Please, help me understand this great mystery of the mail system.
– Letter Man

Dear Mystified,
Aside from this being clearly a non-problem, I urge you to reassess the situation. Sending our mail to Albuquerque means it arrives at its final destination more quickly, probably with a faint smell of lavender and green chilies. Plus, all that ferrying of letters around the desert is a great job for someone who was probably formerly jobless. It is also entirely likely that being from a small town, every letter was previously opened and read during the sorting process, the contents added to the gossip whirlpool. Now, our small-town happenings are of no interest to the Soap Opera of Albuquerque, and our mail remains in its original envelope. You should feel BLESSED, my friend.
- Diver

Dear Diver,
My husband thinks it’s a good idea to get the kids a trampoline, but where I come from, they’re just an accident and accompanying lawsuit waiting to happen. He points out that they’re commonplace here and the net will keep kids from getting hurt, but I still think they’re dangerous. Please help us settle this dispute.
– Not Jumping on the Bandwagon

Dear Dull,
Have you ever been on a trampoline? This is one of those joys no child should be without. Should you put the sprinkler under it – YES! Stuff all those mini-humans into sleeping bags and let them sleep out there? YES! Why in the world would you want to rob your children of getting to host their friends on their very own trampoline which they likely ensure is the best around by jumping out of something nearby and high onto it. The resulting injuries, and almost assuredly lawsuit, can be avoided by having both child and parent sign a carefully crafted legal agreement before allowing them to enter the house. You should probably have anyone who ever enters your house, or property, sign said agreement—just in case.
-Diver

Dear Diver,
It’s that time of year again - when the winds pick up, the trees are budding and my allergies kick into overdrive. It’s such a cruel twist of fate that the weather and trails are finally dry enough to recreate, yet, I am deathly terrified to even go outside. I’ve tried everything: acupuncture, pills, local honey, etc. – all to no avail.  Just wondering if the diver had any secret tips up the old proverbial dish gloves. I’m desperate!
– Stuffed Up

Dear Snot face,
Boy have I got the cure for you, and it wasn’t hiding in my dish gloves, because that would be gross. First, think about how much you hate your allergies; how truly debilitating they are; how you’d do anything—ANYTHING—to rid yourself of nose grime and crawling skin and red eyes. Ready for the cure? Parasites. Not just any, but the friendly little hookworm is here to save your days. Now, you have two options:  you can go online and order hook worms that someone else has harvested from their ___ (you can find that out on your own); or, you can head to the great continent of Africa and wander about barefoot near some latrines to cultivate your own.

In a sticky situation?