Dear Diver,
Now that pot is legal in Colorado, I am so sick of people from other states always giving me the business, like “Oh, you’re from Colorado; wink, wink; nudge, nudge,” like I’m some sort of huge stoner. How do I convince them that not only am I not a stoner, but I hardly ever touch the stuff. It’s really getting annoying.
– Stone Sober

Dear Almost-Straightedge (XX!),
In my line of Divering, I talk to a lot of tourists. An increasing number of said tourists are asking me, oh so innocently, “So what’s up with the legal weed?” When I say I never touch the stuff (except that once by accident; never, ever, leave cookies untended around me), I certainly get that skeptical attitude. That, or I get the highly amusing “I was just curious, I didn’t want any for myself ... .” Sure, middle-aged soccer mom from Missouri, I read you loud and clear. Wink, nudge. In response to your question, Sober, you’re going to have to realize that many people want to be “naturally” sedated – and they don’t believe in people who prefer an all-natural perspective, all the time. Just deal with the innuendo and take comfort in the realization that you don’t have a strange addiction to Doritos and bad sitcoms.
– Mostly XX for life,  the Diver

Dear Diver,
Please settle a discussion between my friends and I. We are confused about the differences between a “bar,” tavern” “pub” and “saloon.” Not to mention the more esoteric terms like “spiritorium,” “cocktail lounge” and “speakeasy.” Are they all interchangeable, or have we been drinking at the wrong place all these years?
– Bar Fly

Dear Fly On The Wall At The Watering Hole,
Please adhere to the following standards, approved by absolutely nobody in particular. Bar: Where one goes to watch muted ball sports and ignore other people. Tavern: A place where all those other people are smoking Marlboros while swilling Budweiser. Pub:  A dying form of tavern in the UK. Saloon:  Swinging doors, big hats, danger of death due to live ammunition. Spirit-whatsit: Pretentious ghosts drinking hard liquor. Cocktail Lounge: A place where girls drink girly drinks and... ah... cocks chase tails... speaking of roosters of course. Speakeasy: Doesn’t appear to actually exist, as every place of watering hole I’ve visited has been more like a SpeakLOUD! There you go – no more fear of going to the wrong location next time you want a simple drink. You’re welcome.
– Make mine a brewery, the Diver

Dear Diver,
Should the liquid in the can of beans be drained before consuming the beans? I insist on draining but my husband is a nondrainer. It drives me crazy. Who is right, and more importantly, can our marriage be saved?
– A Hill of Beans

Dear Beano,
A simple question to answer yours:  Whose meals produce a more fruitful melody later that night?  That person is in the wrong. And can your marriage be saved?  Since you’re asking this question in response to differing ways of preparing legumes, sorry – nope.
– Enjoy those burritos, the Diver

In a sticky situation?