Diver: Sir Trevor Rovert

Interesting fact: Prince Charles is an avid collector of toilet seats.

 

 

Dearest Michael,

The world has waited a very long time for a charismatic visionary such as yourself to finally come forward and save us all; someone who is willing to ask the kinds of questions that will lead us into the newest age of reason. Before you, Mikey, the truth had only been hinted at by the Technical Death Metal band named The Faceless. If you listen carefully to the lyrics of their song, "Planetary Duality," you will hear the prophetic story of an alien invasion. You see, the reason that we are told not to put aluminum and other alloy conductors into a microwave is that doing so would cause a tear in the space time continuum and send us hurling back to the darkest age of our existence, the years between 1970 and 1988, when metal ruled the universe. Did you know that the original name for Black Sabbath was Earth? Coincidence? I think not! Ozzy Osborne and Lemmy Kilmister, from Motorhead, are actually the little green men that you speak of. You didn’t think those things on Lemmy’s face were of this world, did you? Stick a fork in your nuker and see what happens if you don’t believe me.

– The Reverend Trevor

 

 

My Dear Shirley,

I too have heard of these despicable “swingers." I hear that they strut around teeing “off” at exclusive clubs where one needs to be a member in order to play, and that once they have achieved membership in these places they participate in foursomes, wear spiked heels and have multiple long hard shafts and dimpled balls. It is even said that they can be known to penetrate nine, 18 or even 36 holes in a single afternoon. I would advise your husband that if he wants to “check out” and get a “feel” for such a disgusting past time that he should look for white flags not red ones. And I’d advise you to expect not to see much of him if he does.

– Your devoted caddie, Trev

 

 

Oh Phillip,

I’m not a urologist nor have I played one on TV, but I personally am always pleased when I am able to achieve a singlestream rather than the less controllable and much messier double stream. However, whichever stream you manifest, using your neighbor’s recycling bin to relieve yourself is simply rude and you should cease to do so at once.

– Dr. Trevor