Outside magazine is ruining my life!

Is my reaction overly dramatic? Perhaps. Do I have a right to be upset? Probably not. But I will maintain my previous sentiment of hyperbolic, teenage-like angst against the publication that named Durango as one of the best adventure towns in the country in 2011 and one of the top river towns in 2012. I feel relieved that we were not featured in the latest issue decreeing the “best towns ever” of 2013.

Like yearbooks of yore decreeing “best smile” or People magazine’s “sexiest man," Outside magazine’s “Best Towns of (insert year here)” is a dubious honor. It means you’ve already passed cool and you’re on your way to Front Range-rage, where popularity and population (and all that comes with it) take away what was once cool about your town.

As soon as you think you are cool, you cease to be so. This is a universal law that applies to athletic winning streaks, "The Zone" (wherein you have the race of your life until you realize you are having the race of your life) and overall likeability. So to the proud local reader who may be disappointed that good ole D-town was not featured in the latest issue, do not despair. Neither should you propagate the idea that Durango is perfect. Write no letters, make no nominations. Remember the truth.

Durango isn’t perfect. There are many challenges that face locals, many reasons why we should not be considered for the role of quintessential, idealized small mountain town that outsiders love to cast us in. The following is meant for consideration, why we are not worthy of the “Best Town Ever” title.

- Durango is too sunny. While outsiders may not believe it, based on the previous week of weather, Durango is too sunny. In fact, we are borderline Stepford when it comes to weather – too good to be true. Without rainy days, there are fewer excuses for sitting on the couch eating junk food and watching reality TV. One feels compelled, even obligated, to go outside and enjoy sunshine. Even this past week of rain has seen the sun for a few hours each day. And let’s face it, sunscreen is expensive, skin cancer is unattractive, and I keep losing sunglasses! What a pain.

- Which brings me to the next of my complaints: Durango has four seasons. This very equal distribution of seasonal weather makes it especially difficult to specialize in one sport (though you’d never know it by how many bikers one might avoid on a sunny highway in January). Honestly, how many places have an equal three months of winter, spring, summer and fall? It’s unnatural and takes a toll on our outdoorsy town’s claim to perfection! Flagstaff is a mecca for distance runners; skiers flock to Steamboat, Vail and Summit County; Arkansas River Valley is the destination for boaters;  but poor ole Durango is caught in an ugly cycle of seasonal variation. And while winter may be the least defined season in our corner of the state, every few years brings a reminder that we do, in fact, reside in Colorado, to the chagrin of road bikers who don awkward skate skis and waddle around Hillcrest.

- While our weather makes it difficult for Durango athletes to choose a sport in which to specialize, the location of our small-ish mountain town makes it difficult to find. We are too close to the mountains!

I have previously read, heard or made up the fact that Durango is among the most isolated cities in the United States (never include Alaska in the mix). As far as we are from Denver and Salt Lake, and Phoenix, the “cities” of Albuquerque, Grand Junction and Alamosa are easier to reach, but no more respected on a national scale of art, culture, shopping and travel. Durango is the biggest little town, nestled between no fewer than five mountain passes and a whole lotta desert. It’s hard to reach, hard to leave for even a weekend (unless you climb in Moab), and expensive to fly or drive anywhere. This could be a positive quality to some people who have no need to spend time in traffic going to and from the city or have a desire to see a professional sports game. But to many, it means that your weekend destination will land you in the middle of the Weminuche Wilderness or the network of desert climbing al la Indian Ridge. If you like that sort of thing.

- But if you stay in town, watch out waistline! Boasting some of the best beer-, breakfast- and bacon-centered menus in the state, you won’t maintain your athletic figure for long. You will have to go for a 20-mile bike ride on the weekends or enter really, really ridiculously long running races. But you won’t be able to feel superior to the fatties and the lazies who don’t spend their weekends recreating outdoors because you can’t find them. Here you will be just another face in the running/biking/skiing/boating crowd at the Saturday morning farmer’s market, a less-than-perfect person in an almost perfect town.

But, then again, “Perfection has one grave defect. It is apt to be dull" – or so said W. Somerset Maugham.  Who, then, would want to live in the perfect adventure town? We aren’t the Disney version of Colorado or the Outside magazine poster child for perfection – but Durango is pretty cool, “flaws” and all.