Diver: Hop Phelps
Interesting fact: Did you say Diver? Oh, I thought you said Driver.

Dear Diver,

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Every year I get at least one or two groups of high older kids coming to my door with pillow cases full of loot. It's obvious they didn't even take time to put together a costume other than an old sheet or mask from the thrift store. Shouldn't these kids be cut off?

– The Halloween Grinch

Dear Grinch,

I hope you get this answer in time because I have one question for you. How much do you like TRICKS? Because the same stoner kids coming to your door later in the evening are the ones with a second pillow case full of spray paint. Your choice, give up the loot or repaint your fence.

– The Great Pumpkinhead

Dear Diver,

My wife has been bugging me to take ballroom dancing lessons. I have had two left feet my entire life and have no plans to change. I am afraid I will be the laughing stock of the class and fear that ballroom can only lead to heavier stuff: salsa, hip hop or maybe even clogging. How do I get out of this and stop this nonsense once and for all.

– Not Fred Astaire

Dear Lefty Astaire,

Would it really be that bad to please the love of your life and possibly the mother of your children? That said, quid pro quo is the way out of this. Come up with some guy’s activity that she could have no possible interest and insist that she join you. Some suggestions: paintball, Polar Bear Club, 4 am duck hunting, or D & D. Be careful though, she may call your bluff and you will actually have to go duck hunting at 4 am and then dance.

– Pumpkin Swayze

Dear Diver,

Why is it so hard to find quality employees in this town? I run a service-oriented business and it seems like every time I hire a new staff person and get them trained, they quit. The other day, I had a new hire call in to say she couldn't make it to work because her uniform was dirty and she had nothing to wear. Other excuses include doctor's appointments, sick grannies, broken appendages and broken down cars. We pay a decent wage and what I think is a good working environment. When will the excuses stop?

– Please Excuse Me

Dear Excuse Me Mr.,

First of all, how old are these employees? If under the age of 30, please use my simple mathematical formula: number of tattoos =T , number of facial piercings = F, Age =A. A/TxF+1= weeks on job. Divide A by T times F. This will equal the number of expected weeks on the job. Armed with this knowledge perhaps you should look for employees with mortgages and car payments. People sleeping on couches tend to be less fettered to their jobs. You should spend a little time hanging outside of land title offices and mortgage brokers recruiting your next wage slaves.

– The Headless HR Department