Diver: Guy Winzenread, Minion at 360Durango.com
Interesting fact: Coined the phrase “twerking” and recorded the first “cute puppy” youtube video, oddly one in the same.
 

Dear Diver,

I am having my first child. We are naturally elated, and I have been doing all the "right" things: eating healthy, no booze and regular exercise. But the one thing I have not been able to give up is coffee. I've heard a cup or two a day is OK, but I still worry. I have a serious addiction to my morning latte. Will my baby come out all cracked up on French roast? Will I need to name her Starbuck?
– Mamma Joe

Joe Momma Lady,

Congrats! Dr. Spock wrote a fantastic baby book, but I digress ...  I would say that you should not focus TOO much on what THEY say, “studies have shown.” Just because you have a green octopus baby growin’ in yo belly, doesn’t mean that it is requiring coffee (get it, the Starbucks logo). Listening TOO closely to the “experts” will only leave you tired, cranky, and fearful. You are wise to question everything!

– L.L.A.P.

 

Dear Diver,

Every year, me and my college girlfriends get together for a reunion trip. We've done it all – RV road trips, ski trips, beach vacations, football games at the alma mater, and yes, Vegas (several times.) This year, though, we're stumped. What ideas does the diver have for a chickation? I know, it may seem like a "rich person's" problem, but for most, it is our only getaway for the year. Please advise and keep it within the family budget.
– Milf

Dear MILK, (I think you misspelled)

You girls ever heard of glamping? Or how about a motorcycle rally and you can wear your leather? Ever heard of the Sweet Potato Queen’s? I really want to buy a 1960-70’s convertible off eBay from somewhere like upstate New York. Fly up there on one-way tickets, and drive the “beast” back to D-rang. This should take about two to four weeks of travel (because of the world's largest ball of twine, surprise mechanic stops, other roadside interests), and once you are back here, you resell the car and try to recoup your (assembly) 10 G’s or so. You're rich, you can handle that … ROAD TRIP!

– Milk Lover

 

Dear Diver,

Whenever I have to go downtown for an errand, I run into people, and it takes forever to accomplish anything. I like to call it the "social buffer," and tack on at least 30 minutes. Sometimes, though, it sucks up so much time I forget why I went downtown in the first place. What is a polite way to sidestep the B.S. and let people know I'm not trying to be rude, just taking care of business?
– Busy Beaver

Dear Procrastinator,

Elvis would be disappointed in you. Bachman Turner Overdrive would be disappointed in you. I am disappointed in you. TCB does not mean you drop what you are doing and gawk at someone’s new Paco Pad or puffy coat! TCB means, “Taking Care of Business!”

Most people can see that you are busy when you are, and those who are offended must have never had an “8:15 into the city.” On other occasions: social is priority. Take any of the social events in Durango, for example, those are the BEST time to talk. During the fundraiser, street party, brunch, ski swap, or Three Springs Fall Festival. “If I am curt with you, it is because time is a factor.” Pulp Fiction.

 All Day, Err’ Day

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Diver,

With Durango's biggest holiday, Halloween, right around the corner, I am looking for some costume inspiration. Naughty nurses, slutty felines or vampy vampiresses need not apply. I want something unique, clever and funny that won't break the bank. Bonus if it keeps me warm on my drunken stumble home from the bars.

– Elvira

Dear Miss Original slutty Halloween costume,

I sense that you are desperately seeking the need to “let loose," and what a fine night indeed for acting out on your deep down debaucherous intentions. I’d say go crazy with the slutty, skimpy outfits. Remember: less is more on Hallow’s Eve. As far as staying warm with your ill-intentioned costume; you just can’t have it both ways. Find a cuddle buddy to donate some drinks and body heat, and you won’t even think about how cold it is (except for the walk of shame in the morning). If you just add a mask to your costume, everything will end up alright.
– Ninja Diver  

 

Dear Diver,

So, I have this guy friend, and up until a few weeks ago, we were just that: friends. Well, we got to drinking one night, one thing led to another, and next thing you know we made out. We both agreed the next morning it was a stupid mistake and chalked it up to drunkenness and laughed it off. Here's the thing: my friend, who is a great single guy but for some reason has never had a longtime girlfriend, is a terrible kisser. It was like kissing a grandpa. Or a dead blowfish. Yuck. Should I tell him this in order to possibly help his future love life? Or are the best friends the one who don't kiss and critique?

– Grossed Out

Dear Best Friend with Benefits,

This is clearly screaming out tension of the fiercest nature: sexual tension. There just ain’t no denying what youz both a thinking.  I’m sure both of you enjoyed the “make out” session, but you are just worried what your friends will think of the situation. “Oh, he is like a brother to me," “Nooo … I would never date so-and-so," “Groosss …we’re just friends." These lies must end. Embrace the gift that cupid has sent you, and look at it on the bright side: in 40-50 years, he will be kissing on par with his age. And tell him to google that shit.
– Diver

 

Dear Diver,

I am worried with the sudden snowstorm that it is time to put on my snow tires. But it seems kinda early. Will I jinx the snow gods by putting them on? I bought a pass, so would hate to ruin it for myself and everybody else. When do I know it's time?

– Snow on the Brain

Dear Brainfreeze,

Ahhh. Young grasshopper. You will know when it is too late. It will dawn upon you only after you have collided with another automobile and realized that you shouldn’t have been texting, drinking coffee and changing the tunes while driving. And not to mention your current tires are clapped out and bald. So do us all a favor and just put the damned snow tires on, and don’t be so narcissistic; the god of snow just doesn’t care about you.
– Diver