Diver:  Prolific Ninja wanna-be
Interesting fact: Desperatly wants, but can only pretend, to be a ninja. 

Dear Diver,

With Durango's biggest holiday, Halloween, right around the corner, I am looking for some costume inspiration. Naughty nurses, slutty felines or vampy vampiresses need not apply. I want something unique, clever and funny that won't break the bank. Bonus if it keeps me warm on my drunken stumble home from the bars.

– Elvira

Dear Miss Original slutty Halloween costume,

I sense that you are desperately seeking the need to “let loose," and what a fine night indeed for acting out on your deep down debaucherous intentions. I’d say go crazy with the slutty, skimpy outfits. Remember: less is more on Hallow’s Eve. As far as staying warm with your ill-intentioned costume; you just can’t have it both ways. Find a cuddle buddy to donate some drinks and body heat, and you won’t even think about how cold it is (except for the walk of shame in the morning). If you just add a mask to your costume, everything will end up alright.
– Ninja Diver  

Dear Diver,

So, I have this guy friend, and up until a few weeks ago, we were just that: friends. Well, we got to drinking one night, one thing led to another, and next thing you know we made out. We both agreed the next morning it was a stupid mistake and chalked it up to drunkenness and laughed it off. Here's the thing: my friend, who is a great single guy but for some reason has never had a longtime girlfriend, is a terrible kisser. It was like kissing a grandpa. Or a dead blowfish. Yuck. Should I tell him this in order to possibly help his future love life? Or are the best friends the one who don't kiss and critique?

– Grossed Out

Dear Best Friend with Benefits,

This is clearly screaming out tension of the fiercest nature: sexual tension. There just ain’t no denying what youz both a thinking.  I’m sure both of you enjoyed the “make out” session, but you are just worried what your friends will think of the situation. “Oh, he is like a brother to me," “Nooo … I would never date so-and-so," “Groosss …we’re just friends." These lies must end. Embrace the gift that cupid has sent you, and look at it on the bright side: in 40-50 years, he will be kissing on par with his age. And tell him to google that shit.
– Diver

Dear Diver,

I am worried with the sudden snowstorm that it is time to put on my snow tires. But it seems kinda early. Will I jinx the snow gods by putting them on? I bought a pass, so would hate to ruin it for myself and everybody else. When do I know it's time?

– Snow on the Brain

Dear Brainfreeze,

Ahhh. Young grasshopper. You will know when it is too late. It will dawn upon you only after you have collided with another automobile and realized that you shouldn’t have been texting, drinking coffee and changing the tunes while driving. And not to mention your current tires are clapped out and bald. So do us all a favor and just put the damned snow tires on, and don’t be so narcissistic; the god of snow just doesn’t care about you.
– Diver