Diver: Mandy Pants

Interesting fact: Buttermilk does not contain any butter. (Whatwhatwhat?!?!?)

Dear Diver,

Why is it that some guys feel compelled to carry on a conversation with the dude – sometimes a total stranger – at the next urinal over? Seems like a strange breach of etiquette, let alone personal space. Not to mention it's kind pretty creepy. I mean, it's not like you'd try to talk to the person the next stall over when doing other "business." I don't want to come off as rude, but I'd rather get in and get out and cut the chit chat.

– Stage Fright

Hey guy,

Wow! Thank you! I have now been offered a window into a world I knew nothing about: the men’s room. Eww. So, it’s not just the smell of urinal cakes emanating from the can, it’s awkward conversation too! To cut to the chase, I have absolutely no idea why guys would want to talk to one another while they’re relieving themselves at the urinal. Even just guessing is way beyond my pay grade. Maybe it’s a lack of interesting diversions? Why not write little sonnets or haikus above all the urinals in the lavatories you frequent to give your can-mates something to ruminate on instead of leaning over to chat? Failing that, just go into a stall to pee.

– Uhh, good luck with that, M.P.

Dear Diver,

I just moved to Durango and am having a hard time dealing with the level of activity here. Is everyone a triathlete or some sort of professional masochist? I am not very athletic and have a severe allergy to working out. Will I ever fit in? Is there a place for other physically unfit folks such as myself to abhor the outdoors? Or maybe can you give me some tips on how to "blend." I feel like I stick out like a sore bum.

– Dough Boy

Dear Dough Boy,

If I push on your tummy, will you make the little “Hee-Hee!” noise? That would be awesome. Anyway, the common obsession with outdoor sports in this town isn’t surprising, given that this place really has a lot to offer on that front. But as in any wonderful place, people can be prone to a fair bit of navel-gazing (albeit below washboard abs). If you’re looking for plentiful shopping opportunities or super glam nightlife, you’d best move on, son. But, if you are looking for some local folks with interests that go beyond the same ol’ mountainbikingclimbingskiingtrailrunningmountainculture meme, just dig around a little bit. There are some pretty diverse (even mostly sedentary!) groups of people. Real life examples: the big celtic music community, the FFA/4-H/rodeo scene, a fair number of comic/graphic novel/D & D types, some healthy and diverse arts groups … the list goes on. But no matter what you think about the outdoors and the people whose lives are built around recreating, try not to yuck anyone’s yum. That’s a quick way to stick out like a sore bum. P.S. Don’t try to “blend.” All the gear is entirely too expensive.

– Hugs and kisses, my dough ball friend, Manders

Dear Diver,

I am pretty sure my husband's sight is failing, but he refuses to admit it and go get glasses. He says he can see fine, but whenever we're out, he waves to total strangers and runs into stuff. The other day, he drove over a curb and almost took out a class of kindergartners. It's getting embarrassing, not to mention dangerous. How do I convince him to give up his foolish pride before something really bad happens?

– Scared to Look  

Ohmygodthatsoundssoscary! Girl, you gotta tape some glasses to his head ’fore somebody gets killed! If the “hold him down and strap glasses to his head” plan sounds unappealing and/or impossible, you could take a more tactful approach. Since he refuses to admit that he needs glasses, you can try to make him want to wear glasses. Start wearing “vanity frames” without any prescription, and tell him you think they look hip. Comment on how you think guys with glasses are cool/smart/sexy.  I don’t care what you do, just do something to prevent him from hitting anyone with his vehicle!

– Good luck! Pants, who is also going blind but at least wears glasses for crying out loud