Dear Diver,

My mother-in-law likes to usher in the festive season by taking the entire family on the Polar Express. I have taken the narrow gauge to the “north pole” more times than I care to remember. Now that the kids are getting older and Santa is out of the bag, it might be time to hang up the matching jammies and song book and try something new. But how to break it to Grammy? She lives for that stuff.

– Tis the Season

Dear Ebenezer,

As I sit here in the snow dreaming of a white Christmas, I reminisce of a time when the only thing on my list to Santa Clause was to ride the Polar Express to the North Pole. Now at the ripe age of 37, that jerk Santa never came through. I have seen a bit of the “North Pole” from the highway and it looks like an amazing place full of dreams that never came true. I can only imagine the wonderment you have experienced on your many grand adventures to such a magical place. Alas, it seems Santa or “Grammy” will never take me there or get me the sweet matching jammies and songbooks. I say enjoy it for all of us who can’t. I’ll just be here wearing my bunk un-matching PJ’s and crying in my eggnog.

– Bah Humbug

Dear Diver,

Now that they have gone and “improved” S. City Market with narrower aisles and let a shizophrenic arrange the shelves (shampoo across from the ice cream) the congestion is even worse. I need an Alka Seltzer, but I can’t even find those. My question: why do people feel it necessary to block the end of the aisle with their carts, so no one can get in or out, essentially creating grocery gridlock? Shouldn’t there be some sort of shopping cart drivers test?

– The Squeaky Wheel

Dear Gets the Grease,

How dare you say bad things about the grocery store experience in Durango. “Grocery Gridlock” is the only way some people in this town get to socialize. You know, the moment they open their mouth, you’re in for the long haul of yes’ and head nods. The type that get close, like WOW! you’ve been drinking coffee ALL day and neglected to brush your teeth close. They start complaining about the weather, or that foot fungus that just won’t go away. (Aisle 11 by the way.) Can you imagine a situation where these people get face time with another human being? I say we take it one step further: City Market Date Night. Population is declining people, America is losing, we need to reproduce! You think people in China have the luxury to separate their ice cream and Alka Seltzer? Hide the condoms, bust out the breath mints and let’s get this party started!

– Divers

Dear Diver,

I am among the super minority of locals who doesn’t ski. Just never had an interest. I do plenty of other stuff, but snow just isn’t my thing. Of course, when I tell people, they treat me like I just announced I had leprosy and try to tell me that strapping a stick or two to my feet will complete my life. How do I convince them skis don’t make the man.

– Out in the Cold

Dear “Cold as Ice,”

For starters I’m going to use my baby voice. Owww, wittle, “Out in the Cold” doesn’t ski, owww, you don’t wike the winter, woe is wee. Yeah, winters are soooo long and cold here. And, the desert is sooooooo far away, and my friends don’t wike me. I hate to break it to you, but “skiing” is probably code for all things fun that your friends do. Now let’s bring you back up with some inspiring suggestions of things you can do such as … well um, huh? I guess there isn’t anything. Skiing is it. You either buck up and strap on the sticks or get to tropical climates where you will probably get made fun of for not liking getting sand in your crack. As for us, we don’t ski either. We just hang in our jammies, sing and dream of pointless train rides to nowhere.

– Divers Out

In a sticky situation?