Diver: the Wildcat
Interesting fact: I don't even like dancing. I just want free tacos.
 

Dear Diver,
I feel like lately, there's been a whole new epidemic of stupid. Is it too much reality TV, something in the water or do people simply no longer listen or think? Please, diver, tell me it's only temporary and everything is going to be OK.

– Scared

Dear Scared,
I'd like to tell you there's a good possibility that you're just getting smarter and rising above the rest. But seeing as how you're asking a stranger in the back of a newspaper to feed you false hope that everything will be OK, we can go ahead and drive that boat into the next iceberg. Stupidity is like a parasite that slowly infiltrates the minds of its victims. And now with the increase of non-verbal instant communication, anonymous comment sections, reality TV and such, stupidity can quickly and effectively seduce the masses. My advice for you comes from what I've learned from streaming all four seasons of "Toddlers and Tiaras" last weekend: "IF YOU DON'T WIN THIS PAGEANT I WILL NOT BUY YOU TACOS!"

- The Diver

Dear Diver,
With the holidays almost here, my co-workers and I are trying to come up with new and exciting ideas for a holiday office party. Each year we do the same old dress up, stand around, eat, drink routine. Well, it's getting boring and also ends up being a lot of work and money to organize, set up and clean. Either that or the weather is inevitably bad, and no one shows up, leaving us with 400 pounds of left-over crab dip and pimento loaf. What ideas does the diver have for holiday office bonding that won't break the bank and be fun for everyone.

-Party Planner

Dear Your Face is Leftover Pimento Loaf,
Maybe it wasn't the weather that kept everyone away last year. MAYBE it was the fact that not everyone in the office was invited. MAYBE it's because the one guy you DIDN'T invite sits two cubicles down and heard you and Stacy talk nonstop about your stupid crab dip recipe you found on the internet, and he was just WAITING with his Playstation 1, Dance Dance Revolution mats and homemade hummus that would have made the party sizzle. And maybe he got mad and told everyone that your dip wasn't the only thing with crabs. Anyway, your parties are boring because you are boring. Make me head of the party planning committee already.
- The Diver

Dear Diver,
My sister is getting married in a few weeks, and as the maid of honor, I am expected to give a big toast/speech. I am mortified at the thought of having to get up and speak in front of all those people, let alone having to come up with something to say. I want it to be meaningful but not cliche. And I would like to avoid looking like a complete idiot in the process. Please help - time is running out.

-Runaway Bridesmaid

Dear Bridesmaidzilla,
Trying to do something at a wedding that's not cliché is like trying to find a raw vegetable at a state fair. Just like state fairs are the place for double-fried twinkies and turkey legs, weddings are the place for sappy speeches and lying about how happy you are for someone. Just write some crap about how beautiful/special/perfect the happy couple is, then sit down and try to drown your misery with plates of free shrimp and cake while wondering which of your 11 cats will judge you the most. That's what works for me at least. Until I get home and Professor Flufflesworth gives me that sickening look of haughty derision I hate so much.

- The Diver