Diver: Dan Groth
Interesting facts: Dan is dino-serious about answering questions. His answers are Tricera-TOPS!

Dear Diver,
Lately, I’ve noticed that the guys in Durango get just as, if not more, gussied up than the gals. For example, at Taste of Durango, I saw several men wearing ties. What gives? Is it a fashion war among the sexes? Is our casual town going metro?
– Fancy Pants
Dear Fancy-Pants,
It seems that you are actually a touch more fashion-conscious than the average Durangoan, seeing as how you actually have been obsessing over this tie-wearing. Did you not ponder that they may have arrived from a wedding ... or perhaps were visitors from a finer city; one with “taste,” not as in the “taste,” which closes down Main Ave. for a day, but in the visually appealing way? Perhaps you should be more worried that this is an invasion: one that forces upon men a regimen of impeccably pressed khakis, silk shirts, tactful ties, slicked-back hair, inventively-patterned socks, a tasteful moustache, and maybe a different pair of shoes for each day of the week. As for whether there is a competition with the ladies, well ... there is no competition because the ladies of Durango are the fairest in all the land.
– Sincerely, The Diver

Dear Diver,
I’ve been considering getting a spray tan this summer to avoid wrinkles, skin cancer, etc while getting that all-around healthy “Durango glow.” People claim they’re safe, but I’m not so sure. Also, will it wash off in the river?
– Whitey
Dear Whitey,
Spray tans are likely safe ... but I do not understand why the pale shade is so bad. In fact, the orange-ing of one’s face is somewhat of a “Reverse-Bozo” move: the old switcheroo from how a clown whitens up his handsomely bronzed face in order to more convincingly step into the role of classic goofball. What I’m trying to say is that the world needs more goofballs and you should remain pale. In addition, you should get a perm and dye your hair a wacky color.
– Sincerely, The Diver
 

Dear Diver,
There is a friend of mine, we’ll call him Hal. He is turning out to be the “eternal bachelor.” He is a funny, smart, gainfully employed man. There is only one problem: his breath. It could sink the Titanic or level a city like the H Bomb. How can we help? We fear he might be single for life, and everybody needs somebody.
– Hal’s Friend
Dear “Hal’s Friend,”
There are all sorts of “eternal bachelors” for various reasons: bad hairdo, premature frownie-face, flagrant moustachio, embarrassingly obvious desperation, chronic thick-tongue mumbling, restless-leg syndrome, periodic gigantism, voice-like-a-goose ... the list can go on and on. Some causes can be controlled, others not. It seems, though, that horrid breath can be fixed (or at least covered up), but it is up to you, friend of him, to periodically hand him a fine bushel of mints, or a minty rag for which to scrub his nasty, fungally carpeted tongue. Because he does not seem to be able to fathom his own breath, it is your job to help him out – and may he eventually learn proper oral hygiene so that you are no longer needed.
– Sincerely, The Diver