Diver: Amanda Pants
Interesting facts: BBQ at Santa Rita this Friday at 6 p.m. BYO everything. Volleyball, frisbee, parlor tricks.

Dear Diver,
Now that summer’s here and all the bro-dudes are bro-floating the river, they seem to think they can just get out of the river and put their bro-gear crap all over the bike path and then plop their bro-butts down in the middle of it. Sometimes I get really pissed off and just want to bike through the middle of them, but then I end up angrily reminding them that the river path is not a place to decamp after your sick, totally awesome, tube ride. Should I just run over them the next time?
– Sincerely, Angry Biker

Dear Cranky Cranker,
I’m going to tell you a story of the water bear and the mantis shrimp. The mantis shrimp is a beautiful crustacean with a colorful armored exterior and two appendages. The water bear (aka a “tardigrade”) is a tiny, eight-legged animal that resembles a cross between a bear and a manatee.

The mantis shrimp can see colors we can’t even imagine, and it can move its armored appendages at the speed of a bullet. The water bear can withstand environmental extremes that would kill anything else. Ionizing radiation? No problem. Absolute zero? Ain’t no thang. It can even dehydrate to just 3 percent water only to rehydrate and keep on keepin’ on.

This all relates to you because of what these animals do with their abilities. The mantis shrimp uses its talents to wreak undersea havoc, crushing anything it encounters with its powerful appendages. Thus, it wanders the sea looking awesome, but alone. By contrast, the water bear uses its versatility to thrive in many environments (it’s even been sent into space!) And when things get tough, it handles that too, all with chubby aplomb.
Approach this situation like a water bear. Instead of mowing down the bro-dudes, mosey up and suggest they make a little more room on the path. Or better yet, put your chubby eight-legged body into some swim trunks and rehydrate yourself. The change might feel good.
– Cheers for the tardigrade, Mandy Pants

Dear Diver,
My neighbor, a middle-aged man, has taken to gardening in the nude. We live in the country, so it’s not that big of a deal. But I feel like it’s a bit strange, aren’t there “colonies” for people like that? Not to mention, it’s ruining the view. He says he does it to “be one with nature,” but I am a little creeeped out. Is it time for me to move?
– Nude Prude

Nude Prude,
I feel ya! I’m not psyched to have people’s business all up in my view-shed and all that. But, I recently consulted some wise and wicked-good folks, and they shared a different perspective. One approach is to just let it slide. My friend made the point that you don’t have to let the naked hippie “define your experience.” So, try to just not look at his junk.

However, it is possible that he jumps around and dances when he gardens. Or that he gardens when you want to have a BBQ on your back porch. This would make it a little harder to avoid an errant glance turning into a brain-bomb. Here’s another idea: weave him a banana hammock from local, organic field grasses. Present it to him (and maybe share some yerba mate or something?) and explain that you thought his jimmy might want to be even closer to nature. Sure, he might be a little uncomfortable wearing that scratchy thing and you might be a little uncomfortable with the (mostly) naked guy next door, but tolerating a little discomfort is sometimes the only way to make it in this crazy world.
– Good luck, neighbor, M. Pants.

Dear Diver,
Help! My in-laws are talking about moving to Durango. I like them as long as they keep their distance on the East Coast. How do I convince them that Durango is not so great?
– Son in Law  

 

Ohhh, SoL,
This could be so much fun! You could plan a terrible vacation itinerary for them and make them hate Durango. It’d be like a National Lampoon movie. I got all giddy  thinking of the hilarity, but then, I couldn’t come up with anything. I tried to drink the Hater-ade. I really did. Sure there are some bummer things about our town. But the truth is, a bad day in Durango is a glorious day compared to many other places. Maybe the better approach is to establish healthy boundaries so they don’t buy a place directly next door. And if they take over your home, well, just run for the hills. The view from up there is pretty nice.
– Soldier on, SoL, Pants