Diver: Tim and Luke from the classy district of Wildcat Canyon
Interesting facts: Tim and Luke have spent much of the last year contemplating the lyrics to Flo-rida’s hit “Get Low”

Dear Diver,
I have this friends, I’ll call him “Marty.” Anyway, we all went to college together several years back and spent plenty of time partying it up and the plethora of local drinking establishments. Fast forward, a decade or so, and most of us have given up the bar-hopping good old days due to jobs, family, ailing livers, etc., and because, quite frankly, no one wants to be that creepy old, drunk guy hanging out at the bar at the time. But Marty still hits it hard, and has gained the reputation of quite the lush. He doesn’t seem to get it. How do we break it to Marty that that party’s over and no one likes a middle-aged slobbering letch and “getting wasted” isn’t as cute as it used to be?
– Party Pooper
Dear Poopy Pants,
So by “that guy” you mean “the diver?” We get paid in beer, and you saying bad things against beer is like saying bad things about hard-earned money. And saying bad things against money is like saying bad things about America, and that in turn is like hating freedom. The problem is not with Marty. You need to ask yourself, “Why do I hate freedom?”
– America F*** Yeah!

Dear Diver,
I am sorely in need of a new mountain bike, only thing is, the bike’s have gotten so danged confusing since I last bought one (going on 10 years). Gears, disc brakes, carbon fiber, suspension, 29ers, I can hardly keep it all straight. Every time I walk into a bike store, I get so overwhelmed that I break out in a cold sweat and have to leave in a panic. When did bikes get so complicated? I just wanna ride ... please help me decode the jargon.
– Easy Rider
Dear Eazy-E,
We don’t know what you paid for your current bike but there is an assumption that you paid twice as much for it as you did your car and that if you buy one of these new fandagle bikes, it will cost twice as much as the “new” 8-year-old Subaru Outback you just bought. If the gears, the disc brakes, suspension and cost are just too much for you, try roller blading. It is super cool and still in style. You don’t have to worry about all the confusion – just good, clean, 8-wheeled fun. Just strap them on and roll to Freedom.
If you are still stuck on mountain biking, before you buy the biggest travel bike out there, you need to decide where to downhill that bad boy. We suggest the River Trail. Super fun and super sick! You can also bring your roller blades along for a stop at the skate park.
Or you can always do what we do before going into bike stores, and get drunk.
– We get drunk before going into bike stores, Divers

 

Dear Diver,
My wife thinks it’s a good idea to get our husky’s fur shaved for the summer months to keep him cooler. But I disagree. Not only does it make him look weird (and as a result feel self-conscious, I am sure) I think dogs’ coats are meant to keep them naturally cool in the summer. What is the diver’s take on dog-coat maintenance, to shave or not to shave?
– Matt
Dear Husk-ini Wax,
Yesterday I was going down Main Ave. thinking about your question. While amidst a sea of tourists, all wearing Durango T-shirts while still in Durango, I tripped over an out-of-state poodle. I knew this because the poodle was also wearing a Durango shirt, actually a Thunder Vest. As I picked myself up off the ground, because I was rollerblading, I had a deep epiphany: why was I wearing roller blades in a dismount zone? And, two, that shaved poodle looked more embarrassed than I did.  We couldn’t even make eye contact. Awkward. Lesson learned, if a tourist does it, it’s probably not cool. Keep the shaving limited to your back.
– Divers Out!