You have picked up the Durango Telegraph (perhaps by accident), and though you will certainly consider us to be a part of the “Liberal Media," please stay with us. We are liberal leaning, but just because we don’t have a leg to stand on. We also have a better sense of humor – if you don’t believe me turn to the last page and read "The Diver." I then hope you will continue reading, if not, then I’m sure there’s no love lost. But to explain our niche in the world, aka Durango, the Telegraph is an independent publication – a sometimes poignant, mostly sarcastic voice in the community.

 

But there is nothing sarcastic in my salutation. I welcome you, weary traveler, to my hometown – not just because of your money or your mighty fine conversational skills – but because I’m genuinely proud of my hometown and sincere in my desire to showcase the best of it.

Yet you – you wearer of XL Polo tees and tube socks with your wife Miss Country-Hair-Hall-of-Famer (the bigger the hair, the closer to Jesus, or so I’ve been told) – you insist on obstructing the way to your own enjoyment. And since it’s shorter than a Durango block to go from enjoyment to enlightenment, here’s a word to the wise.

I have met you and your fellow Texans (anywhere east of Santa Fe is classified as Texas) and I’ve learned about your people from these encounters. Even though I, too, become cranky after a 10-hour drive with family, I want you to enjoy your vacation. And I know that even though your children are currently rebelling from you while simultaneously dependent upon you to finance their rebellious conformity, you still love them. And yet the tension when you go out to eat is as palpable as the food on your plate.

 

I sympathize with your plight, but remember: you are not in a Dust Bowl era Steinbeck novel. Travel is fun! Vacations are fun! Isn’t it so that why one saves and works and plans? Isn’t it so that one can leave home, experience something new besides the day-to-day milieu of traffic and suburbia?

 

Don’t fear the differences, because new IS different. I understand that different cultures clash during travel, but fear not the unknown! Embrace new ideas, learn of yourself and your family. If you are still reading this, if you’ve found a kernel of truth in my rambling editorial, then you must need my unsolicited advice.

 

Here it is, from me to you, a guide on how to enjoy your time in Southwest Colorado – not just survive it.

 

n Tea is not naturally sweet. While you may order “regular sweet tea” at home and receive the sugar-saturated drink without rail, you will be hard pressed to find that drink in Durango, unless you are referring to a vodka flavor or eating at a Texas-themed restaurant. Please do not become angry at your server or barista for failing to provide you with your drug of choice (aka sugar) and although you are inevitably having withdrawals, perhaps you should chose to see it as a blessing in disguise. Instead of imbibing sweet tea, order one of our many locally brewed beers.

Which leads me to my next bit of advice:

 

n Coors is NOT a Colorado beer. Though the rest of the country thinks of Coloradans as pot heads, I wish to set the record straight, we are merely drunks. (But the good kind, not the puking, fighting kind). Durango itself can offer a plethora of beer choices, but I wish to save you the embarrassment of asking your bartender for a Coors “because I’m in Colorado." On that note, just because a beer doesn’t have “Light” in the title, doesn’t mean it’s not a “Light” beer. Bud, for example. You are more than welcome to drink anything you like, but part of traveling is to experience local flavor. Perhaps a locally handcrafted beer is more expensive, but it’s better beer with more alcohol and when drank at altitude, it’s what we call a true Colorado bargain.

 

If you cannot find a local beer that you like, I’m afraid the harsh reality is this: you do not actually like beer.

 

n Mooning happens. The San Juan Mountains make up an especially beautiful corner of the state, even by Colorado standards. Here you can find waterfalls that plunge hundreds of feet and mountains that reach over 14,000 feet. Much of this majestic scenery can only be viewed from the benches of The Durango and Silverton Narrow Gauge Railroad, unless one is on foot, bike or boat. Many of the views are isolated by gorges and cliffs that preserve the area’s pristine, mining-ravaged views. Durango, being the most densely populated points on the DSNG tracks is worthy of attention, but beware the tubers of the Animas River! Avoid the onslaught of profanity by removing your glasses and abstaining from taking pictures! You wouldn’t want your beautiful memories of idyllic Colorado to be tainted by barely existent adolescent posterior.

 

If you are unlucky enough to notice a butt in the broad daylight, make sure to write in to the local paper so that we can continue to moon and mock until the next tourist writes of their ruined vacation.

 

The reality is that you are not in a different country, but you are in another world – one where avocados have replaced mayonnaise and the river is the lifeblood of town.  If you try to brag about your laborious stroll up the highest side walk in Colorado (aka Mount Elbert) to a local, you might find yourself snubbed – we aren’t your golfing buddies. As with any interaction with someone who has more familiarity and knowledge, listen. Learn. Have a beer. And tip your bartender.

 

– Maggie Casey