Diver: Tess and Joey of Raider Ridge Café infamy
Interesting Facts: While merely platonic co-workers, Tess and Joey performed an impromptu karaoke duet of “Baby it’s Cold Outside” at this year’s holiday party. (look for the video on youtube)

Dear Diver,
This year’s Snowdown theme really has me stumped for costume ideas. How do I look hot and pick up dudes dressed like a nerd? I’m sure the sexy librarian thing will be done to death, please help me think of an idea that is still in the “geek” theme but allows me to expose as much skin as possible.
– Nerdzilla

Dear Nerdzilla,
The sexy librarian is a certain winner, but let’s look at why she’s so sexy.  Is it the glasses?  The cashmere sweater?  The books she carries around about the psychology of making her man happy?  NO!  OK, yes. Ponder this though – maybe it’s really the fact that deep down, despite the nerdy exterior, she just wants to show more skin and pick up dudes. Look for me, my sexy librarian, I’ll be the guy with the pocket protector in the self help section looking for books on how to make my woman happy.
– Divers

Dear Diver
I have two longtime friends who were born and raised in Texas. One has spent most of his life in Florida and the other has lived all over the world. Both of these folks admit to the following: never being wrong; rarely being able to stop talking (even when they are quiet you can see them fighting back comments); and having a cheshire cat grin that they can turn on and off like a light switch (when turned on this smile usually means they are going to bite or they think you are full of it). Even after years of not being in Texas, they maintain these qualities. What can we do to help these people? – Is it the Water?
– Friend of Texans

Dear Texas Helper,
You are very kind hearted to want to help these deranged psychopaths, but tread lightly; the symptoms you describe are tell tale signs of a highly volatile mutation of the human genome known as Texas Schmexas.  There is no cure, no vaccine, no hope. The only thing you can do is to try to placate and patronize the victims.  “Sure the Cowboys are America’s team. Of course I love George Bush.  No, really, beef ribs are way better than baby back ribs.” You get the idea. And don’t drink the water - remember, it was once Mexico.
– Divers

 

 

Dear Whiny,
Very sorry to break it to you, but people seek you out because your ideas and opinions are terrible. You see, we all need to win an argument once in a while to keep our confidence level up. When we can argue with someone like you, we leave soaring with confidence, knowing that the decision we have made to go against your every word is a solid one. Thank you. (Now you probably think this response is crap, but you are wrong. Again.)
– Divers