Diver: The Wildcat
Interesting Facts: Doubts your commitment to Sparkle Motion

Dear Diver,
Why is it that everyone in town has to shovel their sidewalks when it snows or they get a ticket. But then, when I go by the police department, their sidewalk is a total dishoveled mess? I slipped and nearly killed myself. Do they get tickets from the city, too, or are they above the law?
– Sidewalk Vigilante
Dear Nags-alot,
Cut the fuzz some slack and walk down the other side of the street. They can’t keep you, your houseful of cats, and your “Murder She Wrote” VHS collection safe AND keep their sidewalk up to your standards. Or, put down your bottle of “nothing anyone does is ever good enough for me” and grab a shovel and serve the public servant. Your kids probably won’t think you suck so much.
– The Diver

Dear Diver,
I am a huge train buff and secretly dying to go on the Polar Express. My roommates tell me that a grown man without kids wearing pajamas and riding the train by himself is inappropriate and everyone will think I’m some sort of perv. What does the diver think?
– Thomas
T-Pain,
I suppose it would depend a lot on your definition of pajamas. If your pajamas contain any mesh or fishnet, an abundance of chains or zippers, a device to open beer bottles, any sort of “trap door” system that could malfunction, a couple pieces of sheer satin held together by a few strings, or are designed to be eaten, you should probably sit this one out. And while we’re defining things, can we go ahead and define that guys who like to sit alone on trains pretending to be in one of the creepiest holiday movies made often use the word “roommates” to hide the fact they still live with their parents? Because I’m pretty sure that’s what is going on here.
– They have a right to be embarrassed, the Diver

 

Dear Diver,
When the supposed end of the world hits this week, what time zone will it start in? Is it going to be 12/21 mountain standard time or will it start on the East Coast? Just trying to prepare.
– Timed out
Dear Bad Timing,
The end of the world can’t happen this week, because it already happened! How do I know this? Well, before I was the Wildcat, I lived a double life. By day I was a boring suit in a big company, but by night I was a computer hacker looking for answers. I went to a creepy goth club one night (that’s where hackers go to unwind), and this lady was all like, “Hey boy, I know you. You gotta meet this one guy.” So the next night we went to this abandoned building (that’s where hackers go with ladies they just met at creepy goth clubs), and this dude was all like, “Hey boy, you know me. Here are two pills, one of them will rock your worldview.” Since I never turned down pills from strangers, I chugged one and started turning into dialup internet. Then I woke up in a tub full of goop, naked and hairless (that’s how hackers usually wake up), but this time it was in a world run by robots, and life as we know it is really just a crappy computer simulation. Sorry you had to find out this way.
– If you read it in the newspaper it must be true, the Diver