Diver: Mrs. Pants
Interesting facts: You can survive
exclusively on a diet of chocolate-covered espresso beans for at least eight days. It’s been done.

Dear Diver,
My wife has been talking about getting a breast augmentation.  She says it’s for her own self confidence, but my buddies (including female ones) are warning me that it’s a “gateway drug” to divorce. I’m not sure what to think - but am pretty sure I would enjoy the “fringe benefits,” if you know what I mean. So, are new boobs the new “Dear John?”
– John

 

Alright Johnny Boy,
I’m gonna get serious with this one because surgery is a big deal, whether you’re tacking some more boobies onto your chest or getting a new kidney. I’ll tell you how I feel about your wife’s boob job idea: I don’t care what she does – and neither should your buddies, female or otherwise. That’s personal business. BUT, since your lady is contemplating undergoing such a significant procedure because her self-confidence is so low, now is a pretty good time to show her that YOU care a lot. Channel Dr. Phil and get ready to ask a lot of questions, listen intently and tip your head “just so” to show you’re concerned. Try to figure out what’s going on in her brain that makes her want to go to those lengths, er cups. Maybe she’s having a real romantic crisis and the ta-tas are a way to re-enter the crazy Durango meat market. Or maybe she just wants to fill out dresses a bit more. Either way, figure it out before she goes forward with the plan. And if you’re interested in finding out what the fakies feel like, google it. No live R & D. Now THAT’S a gateway to divorce.
– Good luck with that, Mrs. Pants

Dear Diver,
I always hear a lot of talk about “the man.” But who exactly is the man? And why never “the woman?”
– Pat

 

Patty!
Thank you for this very important question. It has a simple answer: The Man is the scapegoat for The Woman. The Woman is too smart to get caught keepin’ the people down, or whatever it is that The Man is getting blamed for.
Life’s little problem #1,938 solved. Check!
– The Lady, Pants

Dear Diver,
I have a family friend who puts her kids in beauty pageants and the like, and my mother is always gushing about the kids and how they won this contest, modeled for this ad, tried out for this commercial, etc. I find it a little despicable and sort of creepy when people pimp out their kids, but when I make cracks about JonBenet, my mother gets offended and tells me I’m just jealous. How do I make her understand not all of us aspire to be Honey Boo Boo?
– Mommy Boo Boo

 

Dear Mommy B,
I read somewhere recently (because I keep up on my People magazine need-to-know) that Honey Boo Boo’s mom put most of the money earned from their reality TV show into a trust for all her kids. No matter what you think of all that jiggly, glitter-covered sass, you have to admit that Momma Boo Boo is pretty savvy with the financial windfall of the whole franchise. This may or may not be helpful information, but it just goes to show you can’t judge a book by its cover or a giant pageant pimp by her T-shirt. So back to your quandary: you could try to scare your mom straight by starting to act like those scary pageant mommas, but she might actually like that. Better to just tell her that she did such a good job raising you that you would prefer not to stray far from her great example. And if she tries to bring up the subject again, put your finger over her mouth and shoosh her gently while saying “I know. Life is so hard.”
– Hold the line against the onslaught of the 8x10 signed glossy, Miss Pants

In a sticky situation?