Survivor’s guide to the holiday table

Leo Tolstoy begins his novel Anna Karenina with the line “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” Coming from the former familial category, I find it difficult to relate to the holiday anxiety that is often experienced this time of year with the impending arrival of family. You see, I actually look forward to everyone being together. Strange, I know.

The happy family in which I grew up has changed over the years (in so far as we are all of legal drinking age and as a result, we often have more fun the night before Christmas than Christmas morning, when presents takes a back seat to letting the dogs out and finding a cure for that wine-headache). It wasn’t until I began accompanying my boyfriend to holidays that I began to notice the complexity of family relationships and appreciate my own traditions.

But in my realization that family awkwardness is not a myth perpetrated by Hollywood (as I thought only existed “in the movies”) I think that every family – happy or feuding – is made of the same parts. Far be it for me to disagree with Leo, but I think that all families are alike; it’s how a family deals with that crazy quota that makes them happy or unhappy.

Around any given holiday table you will find any combination of the following problematic personalities:

- The Outsider – Whether a part of the family for 20 days or 20 years, The Outsider makes things awkward. He or she could be a friend of a friend, a blood relative, or your brother’s new girlfriend he met in Spain who doesn’t understand your sarcasm. I’m all for the holiday spirit and inviting the lost orphans to dinner, but The Outsider complicates your family’s social habits. The Outsider doesn’t understand your jokes, doesn’t eat gluten or meat or green bean casserole (the three main holiday food groups), and thinks you are mean if you make fun of your uncle’s sweater. It’s not their fault, but they do affect the comfort level of the entire evening. The best way to avoid such awkward interactions is not to neglect inviting them, instead try not to get blocked by their questions into your family’s weird world. The easiest way to achieve this flow is to drink more wine.

- The Wino –  Inevitably, every table has a Wino sitting at it. The Wino begins drinking as soon as the Turkey is in the oven. Saving their appetite for the delights to come, The Wino invariably drinks too much on an empty stomach, sometimes spilling a glass here or there. By the time dinner is served, he or she doesn’t have a huge appetite and talks so much that they miss out on the deliciousness … and then they begin to drop the F-bombs. (To this I would like to add my apologies for last year’s festivities. Sorry, Grandma). 

The Wino is a harmless holiday character made of happy anticipation and a low tolerance but can become dangerous if not fed water and pumpkin pie. No mischief is intended, but invariably The Wino causes trouble.

- The Judge –  While my family’s dinner table is presided over by a literal representative of this occupation, the comparison ends there. Not all are so lucky. The Judge is often passive in their sentencing but harsh and unforgiving. It is always best to have The Judge on your side, but if you are a hapless Wino, you may not have the wherewithal to save yourself from the severity of the black robe syndrome. My only advice is to avoid taking the stand, at all costs.

- The Next Martha –  Braised bison tenderloin, beet salad with kale and goat cheese, bleu cheese mashed potatoes, butternut squash soup served in the carved rind of its former self: the table of The Next Martha cannot be satisfied by a classic turkey, green bean casserole (with canned cream of mushroom soup and Funyons) and simple mashed potatoes. There will be no marshmallows on her sweet potato pie! Several days of martyrdom go into the making of such guilt- and calorie-filled deliciousness. The Next Martha will always make you look bad, but you will be glad that you at least had time to watch some football and drink some wine before you had to come face to face with your own underachieving culinary skills. Cheers to that. 

- The Devil’s Advocate –  Rarely does The Devil’s Advocate intend to hurt feelings and bruise egos, but it’s an inevitable when so many people gather around one table that there will be a clash of ideologies. It begins with a simple joke at the expense of the President and ends in a heated debate about the not-so-big-difference between classism and racism. All you can do is prepare yourself for this and avoid the “hot topics.” No one ever wins this debate. (At this point, The Wino, not picking up on social cues, will try to stick with it. Show them your iphone and encourage them to take “selfies.” Crisis averted).

The greatest challenge is to be ready for the varying personality clashes that will appear at your table during the holidays. Martha and The Judge will get along famously, and The Wino will keep The Devil’s Advocate busy for quite some time leaving The Outsider to pick at the beet salad.

Once you know what to expect, you can welcome that individual with all their idiosyncrasies into your family, accepting them for who they are. Acceptance separates the happy from the unhappy, and keeps the holiday spirit alive in all families –  be they blood or the kinship created between friends and neighbors in a little mountain town.

– Maggie Casey