Diver: Trevor Rovert
Interesting facts: Trevor enjoys, whiskey, cigars and palindromes.

Dear Diver,
When on the river trail or downtown, and one encounters “crazies” of any sort – inclusive of panhandlers, addicts, obnoxious tourists or crazy dog ladies who insist you interact with their dog – what is the responsible citizen response:
1) Ignore them and keep walking without making eye contact;
2) Nod to acknowledge their presence but try to seem occupied in your own thoughts;
3) Stop and engage in a brief conversation and then cut it off as quickly as possible;
4) Start doing something really crazy to up the ante in the hopes they will walk off.
What if they persist, regardless of your response? Is there some sort of “crazies” repellent to ward them off? If so, where can I buy some (online or in town)?
– Crazy Magnet

Dear Mag,
I must say you seem to have all of the answers and given the lack of brevity in your inquiry, one can only assume that you enjoy rambling on like, well, like a crazy person. However, I will answer your query anyway. But first look at me when I’m talking to you, acknowledge that you understand what I’m saying; what kind of dog is that? Nevermind; Ladee ladee whoo! And also can you hand me that can of Raid?
– Trev

 

Dear Diver,
My house is infested with earwigs – they are everywhere, and not nearly as benign as the typical boxelder bug infestations of years past. They hurt when they bite and emit a horrible putrid odor when you kill them. Is everyone else in town inundated with these creepy prehistoric pests? What gives? And what can I do to get rid of them?
– Buggin Out

Dear Bugsy,
The earwig or, to use their latin name, Ceti Eels, incubate their larvae within the plates of their jointed carapace. Upon emergence, the eel larvae can enter the ear canals of larger animals, where they wrap themselves around the cerebral cortex. This causes the host extreme pain and renders them susceptible to outside suggestions. Back in 1982, there was a seldom viewed PBS documentary called “The Wrath of Khan” in which Hervé Villeachaize’s dad subverted the self-control of his enemies by releasing earwigs into their ears. Over time, as the larvae matured, the subject suffered from madness and eventual death. You should consider trying this to combat any “crazies” you may encounter.
– T-Rev

Dear Diver,
Why do fools fall in love?
– No Foolin’

Dear Fool hearty,
The great but extremely bitter philosopher Joseph Jackson once asked similiar questions to yours such as: “Fools in love, well are there any other kind of lovers? Fools in love, is there any other kind of pain? Fools in love, are there any creatures more pathetic? Fools in love, never knowing when they've lost the game.”

And last I heard he is a junkie who panhandles on the rivertrail with his dog.

But the real truth is that fools fall in love because falling into pits, chasms or wells only results in having to talk to crazy people who answer their own questions without letting you get a word in edgewise and pits, chasms and wells are often infested with Ceti eels.
– The Trevster