Diver: Joey from Velorution Cycles
Interesting Facts: American roads were first paved for the use of bicycles. Take that, brodozers.

Dear Diver,
What’s up with the annual Durango spring break-ups? Each year at this time the flowers start to bloom just as local relationships wither. Does this happen in other towns? And what can I do to avoid my boyfriend dumping me?
– Signed, Nervous Nelly
Salutations, Nellster,
I’m not sure what you’re talking about. My now-wife and I moved here together, pre-ball-’n’-chain, and somehow we still ended up tying the knot. All I can say is the odds are in your favor – after all, it’s like 55 percent men, 45 percent women around here. Maybe even 60/40. Just make sure you’re a good lady Durangoan – climb/bike/kayak/ski/yoga (yes, all that) with the best of them, you’re quite good at the hippie-loosey-shakey dance, and you’re really into that mary-ja-wanna. You might even grow some natty fashion-dreads. What normal Durango man could resist you? Besides me, I mean.
– No worries, the Diver

 

Dear Diver,
If Lance Armstrong paid the USPS all the money he “earned” from them, would the postal service be solvent again?
- Just Wondering
Dear Wondering,
1: The Postal Service will never be solvent again. At this point, the only reason politicians aren’t cutting the cord is because they enjoy having a dedicated outlet for all their lame, glossy campaign pamphlets. 2: What you should be wondering is how doped-up egotistical guys in stretchy pants get paid zillions of dollars to do something the rest of us go out and do for free.  We dish-divers, waitresses and small bike shop owners (all in the same income bracket, believe me) work our booties off at real jobs, then go play outside for the fun of it. But somehow we’re OK with paying cyclists – and footballists, baseballists, and other-ists – big money to do the same things, but with more drugs and less sportsmanship. The human psyche is a mysterious thing. Whenever someone wants to step up and pay our bike polo team zillions of dollars to play, we’re all down. Anyone? Anyone?
– It’s hard to be a sellout when no one is buying, the Diver

 

Dear Diver,
Often, when I’m riding my bike around town, I get confused about the proper protocol for navigating intersections. For example, is it OK to run a stop sign if you’re actually saving other drivers from having to stop and wait for you to come to a complete stop and get going again? And what is the right way to access the sidewalk without making angry men in trucks want to shoot or run me over?
– Riding Scared
Dearest Scaredy,
Oh boy. “Proper protocol?” Guess what: It’s called traffic law. You might know it, say, if you’re virtually every American over 16. In theory, anyway, as a lot of drivers’ actions leave that open for debate. Your bike IS a vehicle. Substitute “car” for “bike” in your questions above … no, it’s not OK to run a stop sign in your car, and there is no right way to access the sidewalk in your car, period.  Your type, along with Lycra sausages who refuse to ride single file even when they’re stacking cars like pancakes, are the ones who sour public sentiment for the rest of us. So when short guys in 3-ton brodozers buzz you, it’s because another rider did something stupid in front of them yesterday (also, because those brodozer guys are insecure cretins). Ride predictably and follow traffic laws.  Pretend you’re invisible and ride defensively. Drivers’ awareness often sucks – and if you get into a bike vs. car, you lose, no matter who was in the wrong.  Now get out and ride… and for goodness’ sake, put some lights on your bike!
– Tough love: Hurts now, helps later, the Diver