Diver: Mrs. Pants
Interesting facts: Pants comes through in the clutch, yo.
Dear Diver,
When will Justin Bieber just go away? Hasn’t he amassed enough wealth that he can buy some remote tropical island where he can hide away for the rest of this life?
– Non-Belieber
Dear NB,
I think of Justin Bieber’s music as analogous to driving (insert gas-guzzling vehicle of choice here) really fast, or eating fast food. We know it’s unhealthy, destroys the environment and is in very poor taste, but sometimes, we just gotta do it because it feels so good. Though it defies logic, (I mean, LOOK at him. He is absolutely ridiculous) as long as people go to the drive through in their huge vehicles and eat their McWhatever while listening to the Bieb’s tunes, none of it is going to go away. But while I don’t think JB’s gonna go hide on an island any time soon, one approach to make his presence more bearable is to give in to your inner 13-year-old girl and listen to his tunes for what they are: super catchy, highly produced pop songs with generally harmless messages. I suggest listening to the lyric videos so you don’t actually have to look at his silly a**. youtube.com/watch?v= wlAw48HucqY. That’s just too much, even for me. Now you’ll have to pardon me while I defend myself from a hoard of angry ’tweens.
– Missy Pants

 

Dear Diver,
Festival season is just around the corner in Colorado, but with the finances looking tight and time at a premium, what does the Diver recommend as the area’s best weekend getaway to hear some good music, soak up the sun and get in a little noodle necking? So many options, so little time ...
– Uncle Fester
Uncle Fester!
OK, I have two confessions to make. I take my own advice from the first column and listen to crappy pop just as often as I listen to alternative awesomeness like MS MR and Alt-J. But this leads me to the second confession: I haven’t been to a regional music festival in about a decade. After I saw Emmylou Harris, Gillian Welch and Alison Krauss sing together at the Telluride Bluegrass Festival, I figured the pinnacle had been reached and it would all be downhill from there. As such, I am wholly unqualified to answer your question and therefore refer you to the entertainment section of this awesome rag. That guy’s got opinions about the scene. As a side note, I also decided that the creeper guys who hang out at festivals lookin’ for love were just too much, so you might want to clean up your act a little, Uncle Fester, and lay off the leering and freaky dancing. Just a suggestion.
– Pantalon

Dear Diver,
The recent dust storms have me worried. Is it the end times? Or is it just typical April in Colorado?
– Blow Hard
Dear Blow Hard,
Apocalypse. For sure. I was literally just saying to my coworkers that we are definitely about to experience end times. The Mayans just got it wrong by a few months. If you’re like me, and you don’t really know what it all means, why not spend your last days sitting back, drinking a tasty beverage and looking at cool art? Refer to the stylie QR code to see my favorite thing for pre-apocalyptic time-wasting: thisiscolossal.com.
See you on the flip side?
– Mrs. Mandy Pants