Diver: The Wildcat
Interesting Facts: Everything I do, I do for you.

Dear Diver,
I am a renter, and lately, my landlords have been making unannounced visits. At first, I tolerated it, but the other day, they showed up and just walked right in as I was getting out of the shower and draped only in a towel. Then, as if it wasn’t awkward enough, they launch into a long lecture on cat care. Aren’t there laws about them not being able to barge in like this? I really like my place, is there a way to politely ask them for a little privacy?
– Feeling Invaded
Space Invaded,
I’ve had this exact same problem. There are rules and regulations, but landlords don’t care. You are nothing more than a rent check. Sometimes, if timed correctly, a hot rent check getting out of the shower draped only in a towel. Remember this though: awkwardness is a double-edged sword. My landlord stopped making unannounced visits after he walked in on me shaving his name in my chest hair while wearing a mask I made with a print-out of his facebook profile photo. You might lose your option to renew your lease next year, but you’ll have peace and quiet until then.
– Don’t count on a good reference, The Diver

 

 

Dear Snotbag,
I have several great excuses, but I’m saving them for myself, for something more important than watching leaves die. Seriously ... fall happens every year. Same time, same colors. It’s like watching the movie “Titanic” more than once. There’s some love story junk, the boat sinks, then Leo dies. Every time. Also, do you know where you live? This crap is happening all around you. Chances are, if you need a whole week off work just to look at a bunch of leaves that are about to be dead, you suck at your job and should just quit. It’s a good time, too ... “Titanic II: Zombie Iceberg” just came out on Netflix.
– Your heart will go on (but not your 401k), The Diver

Dearest Diver,
I have to ask, what’s up with the dark paint in the bathrooms? A few of my favorite places have painted their walls super dark. Now, I’m not for “hospital white” or anything, but c’mon. I like to see what I’m doing when I’m using the facilities, especially after chatting with the bartender for a few. What gives?
-Scared of the Dark

 

Dear In the Dark,
Don’t fear the dark side. It’s for your own good. Public restrooms are disgusting. I don’t want to see what goes on in my personal bathroom, much less an “aim-where-you-please” public facility. But I’m here to help, and I have two words that will change your life: “Stadium Pal.” It’s a catheter you strap on and wear anywhere (except yoga ... trust me on this one). Ever since I got mine, I haven’t been in a single restroom, including my own! And when the “leg-warmers” fill up, I sneak a little drain tube out next to my shoe and take a stroll through Buckley Park.
– Drink up! The Diver

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com