Diver: Joey from Velorution Cycles
Interesting Facts: Joey doesn’t ski.  (There, it’s out.)  Instead he rides bikes all winter. Conformity is overrated.

Dear Diver,
According to a Texas preacher, [http://www.christianpost.com/news/texas-megachurch-pastor-says-obama-will-pave-way-for-antichrist-84639/] Obama’s re-election will pave the way for the antichrist to re-appear. My question is, what should I wear for such an auspicious occasion?
– Thanks in advance, John the Baptist

Hello John Not-the-Baptist,
As I understand it, the Antichrist is pretty much something prophesied to appear, necessary before the second coming of that big guy in the sky. You can’t have a big old showdown without someone to fight. If Christos himself is the red Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em boxer, then the Antichrist is the necessary blue opponent (see? They’re even politically color-coded). Thus, since Texas preachers and other fundamentalists are just waiting for Jesus to come back, you’d think that they’d all be voting like crazy for every progressive candidate on the ticket, just to hasten their day of righteous judgment. “Crazy Right-Wingers for Obama!” I’m waiting for it. As for what to wear – what do I look like, a fashion consultant? Anyone who knows me knows better.
– Fire and brimstone, the Diver

Dear Diver,
I just read about a local turkey testicle eating contest in which you could win a vacation to Mexico. I was thinking of entering, but as a young male of reproductive age, is it safe to eat another animals gonads?
– Testes Tom

Greetings young Tom,
As a “young male of reproductive age,” a little turkey testosterone won’t hurt you. In fact, it may indeed help you. Perhaps if you were to eat turkey ovaries instead (if indeed such a thing exists – I’m too lazy to do a web search) it would be unsafe for you – too much turkey estrogen and so on. But, say, worst case scenario: You eat a crapload of turkey testicles, win the trip to Mexico, and while you’re there a bright red snood (that turkey-beak’s Trump hairpiece thingy) grows off your nose. Look on the bright side – given our health-care system here at home, at least you’ll be in a place where the surgery is cheap and probably won’t kill you with a staph infection! I say go for it.
– Gobble gobble, the Diver

Dear Diver,
What’s up with morning people? I am traveling over the holidays to visit the in-laws, who are all early risers, of which, I am not. Please, dear Diver, some coping mechanisms?
– Crack o’ Nooner

 

Dearest Nooner,
You could pull a Wildcat and simply drink espresso all day and night. Seems to work for him, as I never see him asleep, just hunched over a sketchbook or grooming his beard kittens. Or – and this would be my sincerest recommendation – just harden the #@%& up and get out of bed at a normal hour like the rest of us. Your in-laws will probably think better of you.
– Good luck with that,
the Diver