Di
ver: Tim, Kitty, Luke and Nasty Nay Nay
Interesting facts: These divers can’t seem to let go of Halloween. Fortunately they live in Durango, where most people can’t.
Dear Diver,
Every year when it comes to trick or treating and sorting my candy afterward, I always get a little hung up. Sure, I know to put the chocolates in one row, the fruity stuff in another, the candy corn in a third, and throw away the pennies and raisins, but what the heck is the difference between “bite-size,” “snack-size,” and “fun-size?”
–Baby Ruth
Dear little hung,
First of all, raisins are the best part! Raisins deserve their own row. Also, I don’t recommend eating candy corn, I heard it can make you impotent. But maybe you already know all about that. Did you know that 47 percent of men are impotent? Mitt doesn’t care. Which leads me to my first definition. “Bite-sized” is something that fits in the hand of a 1-year-old. “Snack-sized” is a portion to let fat people know they should stop eating. And “fun-sized”? Well, I’ll tell you when you’re older.
– Raisin hell
Dear Diver,
I try to use the p.c. dish detergent in my dishwasher, but I don’t think it does the job. What does a dish hygienist such as yourself recommend for a spotless shine without killing all the little fishies in the sea?
– Stuck in rinse cycle
Dear not so sparkly clean,
Check the MSDS to make sure, but I think you would be well advised if you mix ammonia and bleach, strap on the gas mask, set the machine to the heavy duty cycle, run away as fast as you can and cross your fingers. Once the smoke clears, you will be able to enjoy that spot free shine anytime. As you might know there is a presidential race going on, and last I heard Obama care will not fix super gonorrhea. Anywhoo ... as for the little fishies, cats like to eat them.
– The diver keeps it wet
Dear Diver,
It seems like for a while, ’70s parties were all the rage, and then it was ’80s parties. When will it be cool to have ’90s parties? I just want to stay ahead of the curve. Also, any great costume/food/cocktail ideas would be great, I’m kind of drawing a blank.
– Living in the Past
Dear Living on a Prayer,
Oh, I remember the ’90s, back when the South City Market started its renovation, gosh the years do fly by. Sit down for a second, we’ve got some news: your friends are having ’90s parties, they just aren’t inviting you. We’ve been to a few, MC Hammer, Lorena Bobbit and Hulk Hogan were all there, you know the usual characters, or then again maybe you wouldn’t. Man, those ’90s parties are a blast, everyone drinks Zima, listens to “whomp there it is” and pretends that gas is only $1 a gallon. You really want to be ahead of the curve, the diver will let you in on a secret: hipster parties. Begin practicing now: be really ironic about everything and start riding a fixie while wearing circulation suffocating peg pants. Hipsters are so lame that even you could become one. As for your quandary, we recommend getting to know Wayne Brady and learn the ancient art of “getting wet.” Oh man, that’s better than a snack-sized box of raisins on a Sunday afternoon.
– Divers Out
ver: Tim, Kitty, Luke and Nasty Nay NayInteresting facts: These divers can’t seem to let go of Halloween. Fortunately they live in Durango, where most people can’t.
Dear Diver,
Every year when it comes to trick or treating and sorting my candy afterward, I always get a little hung up. Sure, I know to put the chocolates in one row, the fruity stuff in another, the candy corn in a third, and throw away the pennies and raisins, but what the heck is the difference between “bite-size,” “snack-size,” and “fun-size?”
–Baby Ruth
Dear little hung,
First of all, raisins are the best part! Raisins deserve their own row. Also, I don’t recommend eating candy corn, I heard it can make you impotent. But maybe you already know all about that. Did you know that 47 percent of men are impotent? Mitt doesn’t care. Which leads me to my first definition. “Bite-sized” is something that fits in the hand of a 1-year-old. “Snack-sized” is a portion to let fat people know they should stop eating. And “fun-sized”? Well, I’ll tell you when you’re older.
– Raisin hell
Dear Diver,
I try to use the p.c. dish detergent in my dishwasher, but I don’t think it does the job. What does a dish hygienist such as yourself recommend for a spotless shine without killing all the little fishies in the sea?
– Stuck in rinse cycle
Dear not so sparkly clean,
Check the MSDS to make sure, but I think you would be well advised if you mix ammonia and bleach, strap on the gas mask, set the machine to the heavy duty cycle, run away as fast as you can and cross your fingers. Once the smoke clears, you will be able to enjoy that spot free shine anytime. As you might know there is a presidential race going on, and last I heard Obama care will not fix super gonorrhea. Anywhoo ... as for the little fishies, cats like to eat them.
– The diver keeps it wet
Dear Diver,
It seems like for a while, ’70s parties were all the rage, and then it was ’80s parties. When will it be cool to have ’90s parties? I just want to stay ahead of the curve. Also, any great costume/food/cocktail ideas would be great, I’m kind of drawing a blank.
– Living in the Past
Dear Living on a Prayer,
Oh, I remember the ’90s, back when the South City Market started its renovation, gosh the years do fly by. Sit down for a second, we’ve got some news: your friends are having ’90s parties, they just aren’t inviting you. We’ve been to a few, MC Hammer, Lorena Bobbit and Hulk Hogan were all there, you know the usual characters, or then again maybe you wouldn’t. Man, those ’90s parties are a blast, everyone drinks Zima, listens to “whomp there it is” and pretends that gas is only $1 a gallon. You really want to be ahead of the curve, the diver will let you in on a secret: hipster parties. Begin practicing now: be really ironic about everything and start riding a fixie while wearing circulation suffocating peg pants. Hipsters are so lame that even you could become one. As for your quandary, we recommend getting to know Wayne Brady and learn the ancient art of “getting wet.” Oh man, that’s better than a snack-sized box of raisins on a Sunday afternoon.
– Divers Out
In a sticky situation?
Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com