Diver: Nathan Villatoro, FLC’s El Centro de Muchos Colores
Interesting facts: When not slinging advice, Nathan is slinging burritos in El Centro’s spankin’ new kitchen

 

Dear Diver,
With the onset of spring, shorts, T-shirts and flip flops, I am in a bit of a panic. Seems I spent a little too much time over the winter bellied up in my bulky clothes carbo-loading like a bear getting ready to hibernate. Only problem is, I never went down for the big sleep, and just kept gorging. Anyway, the sight of my hairy, flabby ass in shorts is scarier than any wild ursine awaking from a long winter’s nap. I need to lose some bulk, and quickly. I heard the Paleo diet thing is all the rage. What does the Diver recommend for quick fix weightloss?
– Stuck in my Cave
Dear flabby bear-like friend,
There are lots of diets and exercise routines out there but those all require a lot of effort. My method for quick, easy weight loss is pooping. It seems to be socially frowned upon but everybody does it, plus it’s super easy. Pop in some laxatives or guzzle some coffee and get ready for the pounds to start falling off. You might have to wear diapers ( I think “Depends” is the PC term) as you probably won’t have full control, but it’ll be worth it. You’ll be pooing when you are studying, working, eating and even sleeping – giving completely new meaning to the phrase “taking a nappy-poo.”
– Diver

 

Dear “Crest Fallen,”
When training anything, you have to reinforce negative behaviors with negative consequences. Might I recommend hiding your toothbrush or even using a lockbox. If you are really committed, you can scrub your toothbrush on the toilet every day until he associates your toothbrush with toilet mouth, but the catch is YOU would have toilet mouth until your husband completes the training. That can create awkward situations and scarring nicknames, just speaking from personal experience. Highschoolers can be so ruthless …
I digress, if those methods aren’t getting the message across, I would invest in a good old-fashioned tazer. Nothing like 500,000 volts surging through your husband’s body to let him know he shouldn’t be using mamacita’s toothbrush.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
I have been going to college for three years now and have changed my major three times. First, it was geology, then anthropology and now biology. Only problem is, I’m not sure I like that so much either. Please help, I am running out of -ologies and my parents are running out of patience.
– All Apol-ogies

Dear All-ologist,
You are in luck because you are talking to a fifth-year senior in the flesh. Don’t worry about the parents too much because they will think you’re worthless until you start making money. If you study business, that might get them off your back for a while because you are studying how to make money.

I am studying philosophy, so I am guaranteed to make big bucks! I kind of want to be a philosa-raptor preying on the weak-minded. Socrates did it, so it must be a decent paying gig.

So moral of the story... Move to Florida and live the homeless life for a while. A lot of people think homeless people are unhappy but what if you really love the lifestyle? You’d be wasting thousands of dollars and using valuable brain cells getting all learned up and edumacated when you could be livin’ the vida loca as a jubilant hobo. If you don’t dig the homeless life, study geology because it rocks!
– Diver

 

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
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