Diver: Porkchop and Little Jacket
Interesting facts: These two divers have refused to give their real names, in fear of losing their real jobs

Dear Diver,
Not to be gross, but a lot of my brilliant ideas come to me when I’m in the bathroom. Only problem is, there’s never any way to write them down, and I always end up forgetting them. Does the diver have any suggestions for handy reminders, like  toilet paper that doubles as note paper ... see, there’s another brilliant idea.
– Flushing my thoughts

Dear Flushing my Thoughts,
I would like to point out that toilet paper that doubles as note paper is not a brilliant idea. Thinking that you would not deface your most sublime thoughts inked upon even the most savage of cheap T.P. upon running out is unrealistic.

As a bathroom aficionado, I offer a few suggestions. First, go old school. No bathroom is complete without reading material. Many BMs have been sequestered by Davy Jones locker by the classic images of a Far Side Cartoon. Keeping these ever present in your bathroom allows for my next suggestion: always have something to write with. Permanente markers can scribe just about anything.  Having them close will allow you to write just about anywhere. Utilizing your cheap reading material, make some notes. And remember if an idea is truly great, don’t be afraid to use the wall.

Third, if you are not taking some form of mobile device with you, then you are missing out. Text your ideas to a friend; they don’t know where you are. Even Tweet, isn’t that the whole point of tweeting anyways? The bottom line is, there are countless ways to document a great idea while on the can.
– Laters, Pork Chop

Dear Diver,
I was invited to a dinner party at my boss’ house with some of his intellectual and hoity toity friends. Let’s just say I am less than sophisticated, but am really hoping if I perform well, it’ll lead to that big promotion I’ve been slaving away for. Does the diver have any suggestions of books (preferably short and pictures are always nice) or current magazines to read to bring me up to speed on current events? I don’t want to come off as ignorant, even though I guess I sort of am. Also, any advice on proper fork usage, attire, etc., would be appreciated.
– Still at the kids table

 

Dear Still at the kids (sic) table,
Clearly you did not attend a finishing school like Porkchop. And I, nor apparently you, read newspapers. Both would have provided you with prandial etiquette and reasonable topics of discussion. I could tell you to nose your wine and mention how it compliments the meal while you use your silverware like a European. Instead, I suggest you be yourself. Wear your favorite Phish shirt and discuss topics you’re comfortable with. You’ll choke up less discussing the phatty dank bud you recently acquired or how deep the pow-pow has been in gnarnia than the crisis in Syria or the Republican primaries.
– Sincerely,
Littlejacket

Dear Diver,
I have a friend who insists on sporting her old lift tickets on her jacket as some sort of status symbol. Only problem is, it only makes her look like a gaper, even in her own town, which makes me look like a gaper by association. Since she is a really good friend, but just  kind of clueless, what is a polite and/or covert way to get her to stop the wicket habit?
– Wickit-leaks

Dear Wicket-leaks,
After reading your pleas, Little Jacket and I have decided that you are beyond council when it comes to being a good friend. Go watch a Disney movie or two and learn what it really means to be a friend. Just be thankful that your friend is a gaper and not a slick heal.
– Sincerely, Pork Chop and Little Jacket