Diver: Mrs. Pants
Interesting facts: Mrs. Pants will be employing visual aids and outside sources for reference in this diver segment. Please have your mobile devices ready.

Dear Diver,
With the economy the way it is, I am looking for some cost-conscious gift-giving ideas. Something inexpensive and easy that doesn’t require a lot of work or money on my part but still says “I care.”
– Thrifty Gifty

Dear “Thrifty,”
So you want to say “I care” without actually expending any resources or effort? Welcome to the club! (Current membership in the Durango chapter: about 9,000.) Step one: Acknowledge that if you’re not prepared to spend time or money, you don’t actually care on any meaningful level. This is very liberating. Embrace it. Step two: Before you give up on the whole gift-giving idea completely, stop that bus somewhere between “I care a little bit” and “I don’t give a rip.” Step three: Go to a thrift shop. There are lots of these in Durango. I suggest the Humane Society Thrift Store. Puppies need kibbles, yo. For the fourth and final step, I defer to experts on thrift shopping. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis should take good care of you from here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QK8mJJJvaes
– Diver

Dear Diver,
This year, we are spending Christmas with my husband’s very conservative and straight-laced family in the Midwest. They are very polite, but I always feel like they look down upon us as freewheeling Bohemian types. How do I get them to loosen up and understand that just because I don’t like a side of cream of mushroom soup at every meal or “Folgers in my cup” that I’m not a communist?
– Libby
Dear Libs,
You are a Pinko Commie, honey. Just accept it. (I’m sensing a theme, here, with helping ya’ll accept yourselves.) But that fact shouldn’t stop you from having a great holiday with the in-laws. Go under cover! I suggest you and hubs dress like Charles and Lady Diana did before she got all with it and cool; pearls and opaque white tights, etc. Brush up on your talking points by picking up a few one-liners from conservative talk radio the week before the trip. (1240 am has some gems if you’re wondering.) When the holidays come around, prepare to perform. Talk about the second amendment and suggest everyone go on a driving tour of the nativity scenes around town. Wear cardigans. And when you find yourself gagging compulsively at the 48th “birther” reference of the day, do what a southern friend of mine taught me. Just smile gently and say, “How nice.” Have fun with the costume party, Comrade!
– Diver

 

Dear Diver,
My roommate swears the best place to pick up girls is at the Rec Center. However, I tend to be a little shy and don’t know the difference between a bar bell and a bar stool. What are some good ways to break the ice without looking like I planted myself there or am some sort of creeper?
– Sweaty Eddie
Dear Diver,
Sigh. Here we go again. If you go to the Rec Center to pick up chicks, you ARE a creeper! But, hey, it takes all kinds, right? The Rec Center is known for its, um, “variety,” so you could go and try to strike up a conversation with someone huffing and puffing on the treadmill. OR you could go to CrossFit Durango. It’s way more conducive to conversation since the workouts are over in like, 45 seconds, so everyone stretches and chats with the other 59 minutes of the hour. BTW, here’s a good illustration of the proper form required to pick up a girl at the gym without throwing your back out. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyXplN23ALM
See you at the box, Lil’ Creeper!
– Diver