Diver: Falker & Carlo Tambe
Interesting facts: Much like my compadre’s teeth, soon to be extinct in this area.

Dear Diver,
Can you please explain to me what is “entertaining” about midget wrestling? It just seems sort of sad and exploitative. What next? Senior citizen mud wrestling? Wheel chair derby? What has American come to that getting drunk and watching little people roll around on the floor in Lycra is fun?
– Hopeless Hal

Dear Hopeless in Durango,
I agree with you completely Hal. This is a new low in the life and times of our correct and moral burg, and I think it is disgraceful to... to … ah … um … Wait a minute, wait a minute, senior citizens? Wheel chairs? Lycra? The potential here is unlimited, imagine midget mud wrestling on wheelchairs, or senior citizens wrestling while in wheel chairs and doing that derby thing … spray the whole ensemble with hot liquid Lycra ... maybe throw in the DEVO kids for good measure. Pure American entertainment.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
My friends and I are in disagreement. I say the best Diver ever is Wildcat, but they say Logan, or even Andy will never be beat (even though they both have moved on from the area.) So, who exactly shall we praise as best Diver ever? Or is it too close to call?
– Wild About Wildcat

Dear W.A.W.,
The most important aspect of any question that we need to consider is the true philosophical nature of the verb “is.” When applied in an interrogative form, “is” is the best way to assert a “to be” upon a noun. So is “is” or isn’t “is” the proper way to imply dominance over/between existing parties? Is it? This question reeks of competition. I thought we did away with winners and losers, and we were all awarded for our ability to “try.” No more are we relegated as a culture to flaunt the first place blue or bask in the pretty satin white of third, everyone gets a trophy. This being said in response to the aforementioned question, I will have to consider the literary scrawling of the feral feline for “best tryer” based solely on his culinary wisdom regarding “Eye-talian Dresn.”
– Diver

Dear Diver,
Why is it that, in public restrooms, people never finish off the smaller roll before breaking into the bigger roll. It just seems like a big waste.
– T.P.O.-ed

Dear Ed,
Have you ever ordered a new drink before finishing your current one? How about lined up a new lover when the sparks are fading? Sadly, I even know people who never clear their bong. Sure, all of these things are a bit gratuitous but they’re signs of living in phat times.  When people stop chasing that shiny new object or, in this case, untouched reams of butt-paper, we know that the Hope dream has died and even the assholes are less for it.
– Diver

 

Seek help from the master of the In-Sinkerator. The diver has the solutions to life’s little messes. Send your problems to, “Ask the Diver:"
- 1309 E. Third Ave., Room 25 Durango, CO, 81301
- fax (970) 259-0488
- telegraph@durangotelegraph.com