Diver: Jordan and Peter at Magpies
Interesting facts: Slangin’ coffee and makin’ paper

Dear Diver,
I have recently been told by my doctor to get a deep-tissue massage. The area of my stiffness is in the groin region. Problem is, she recommended a male masseuse. My conscience tells me this is OK, but I wonder if I should let my inner thighs be palpated by a man or, just rub my groin myself?
– Uptight

Dear Upright,
I would let you ride my trusty Jordan-steed (pictured above) to relieve your groin stiffness, but I had to put her down; she broke her leg while stepping in a prairie dog hole. She was high as a kite. As for the masseuse: it might open up some doors for you. We’re all a little bit gay, right? Jordan suggests that “you could have the Barefoot Bodyworks lady do it. She’ll walk on your groin and her lady-feet will feel like man-hands.” I wouldn’t really suggest that. But what do I know? I make techno-music. Maybe you could pay the masseuse to throw on a wig and some make-up. Will that make you feel more comfortable? I suppose what it comes down to is that you probably don’t know the finesse of deep tissue massage, so you’re best off having the pro take care of it. As for rubbing your own groin - hey, go for it. That, however, has very little to do with the work on your tissue issues. Which reminds me of a childhood friend who went to school with a mid-eastern kid named “Hishu,” and whenever he would sneeze, they would say “Hishu, want a tissue?” Anyway, your self-rubbing should be much smoother once you get your groin muscles mended.
-P-bot

 

 

Dear PP,
Yeah, those guys are a-holes. Generally, if you have a big, loud truck you’ve already crossed the DB line. D-bags will never stop driving big trucks, and they’ll never stop being d-bags. So, if you get rid of the big trucks, you’ll get rid of the d-bags. Start with ripping out all the diesel gas pumps. Once they find alternate fuel ports, start slashing their tires. They might turn into angry DBs, but at least you and other petrified pedestrians will have a break from those flat-bill douchers.
-Jo-jo

Dear Diver,
Once again, I am stuck in Durango for spring break. What kinds of ideas does the diver have for a “staycation” that is new and different but won’t break the bank?
– Homebound Hal

Dear Homely Hal,
Please don’t say “staycation.” It makes you sound like you went to school at a JC Penney commercial. I’m not judging; the Bible says not to do that. I dropped out of school with half of a philosophy degree. Anyhoo, most of my fun involves paying for whiskey gingers. However, looking back, there are lots of ways to indulge yourself in town without dropping a dime. A couple good pasttimes: have a friend drive you around Main Ave while you stand outside his sunroof wearing a sombrero, waving a toy gun and firing at random at pedestrians. I’ve been told it’s super fun to hide across the street and water balloon people leaving the Ranch at closing time. A friend of mine reminisced of the time they streaked at the Ranch. The funniest part was when one of the crew tripped and lay dormant, naked, on the floor for half a minute. If you felt like orchestrating a prank gone wrong, as some sort of a prank inside a prank (prankception?), that’s a pretty good scenario. Good luck!
-Peter-bot


 

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