Diver: Andy White
Interesting facts: Andy has switched from “shhhh-ing” to tasering as a loud library-goer deterrent

Dear Diver,
Help! I keep losing my car keys. I lost two keys in the last week. The guy at the key-counter at Kroegers is starting to wonder about me, I’ve been in there so many times. What tips or secrets does the diver offer for those of us who can’t seem to keep track of the little things in life.
– Going Nowhere

Dear GN,
So, the only key you carry is a car key? Do you lock your house? You really should, you know.  (By the way, I am sure Kroegers appreciates your business and we should always shop locally).  One fix is to buy a car that requires a smart key.  You only lose that once since they cost about $200 to replace. As far as tips for the little things in life: focus your attention on those rather than the big things. The big things in life are like bears in your garbage or a parent assessing your life choices.   They always let you know they are there and where you stand. Focus on the little things. You probably will live happier.
– Diver

Dear Diver,
During my spring clean of the kids’ rooms, I unearthed a trove of overdue library books under the bed. I’m sure I owe their college savings on fines but am also worried there’s a warrant out for my arrest. You know how those librarians can be. Should I come clean or just shove them back under the bed, so to speak?
–Dirty Secrets
Dear Dirty Secrets,
The Library has been looking for you for years. Just like Jean Valjean and the loaf of bread, the Library never sleeps or leaves a bed unturned until we find our books.  With the state of library budgets around the U.S, many libraries are turning to indentured servitude for fines repayment. How old are your children and how much can they lift? Even if they are tiny kids, they are good for cleaning in tight places. CO Rev, Stat., 24-90-117 states that if a person has library materials outstanding, it is considered a class 3 misdemeanor (no fooling!) Seriously, fines exist to encourage people to bring materials back in a timely manner (other people want them!). Your Library caps its fines at a highly classified, top secret amount, so you probably don’t owe us much. We really just want the books back. AND we really want your kids to use the library and read!
– Diver

Dear Diver,
I am sick of the bar-dating scene. I am a quiet, bookish type and let’s just say my winning qualities don’t exactly come shining through in a crowded drunken room. I tried web dating, but chickened out when it came time to meet in person. Please help, I know there are women of substance out there who like to discuss Voltaire and can see beyond the glasses.
– Dewey
Dear Dewey,
Actually, just so you know, many bookish librarians do prefer a crowded, drunken room. Anyway, to bring Voltaire into this, you need to be more like Dr. Pangloss. You will soon learn that “cultivating your own garden” is lonely and not as fulfilling as sharing the reaping and sewing with someone else. The bar scene or the computer world … you can be lied to by someone schnockered or amazed by someone’s fib-filled profile. How about going to Maria’s Bookshop or the Library? You might meet someone nice who understands my Voltaire references. Grab a book and then take that special someone to a bar.
– Diver

 

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