Blame it on The Fonz. Just when you think he’s permanently retired from the public consciousness once and for all, he goes and jumps the shark, again. But this time in a pair of skinny jeans on a fixed-gear bicycle. (Ok, I know there are some – perhaps many – who wish the term “jumping the shark” would be permanently retired. But when you’ve been weaned on reruns of “Happy Days,” it’s hard to let go.)

Maybe for those well-seasoned connoisseurs of the “Bike Snob,” such as the spouseman, this is old news. But for you uninformed hipsters out there, hang onto your PBRs: Wal-Mart now sells a fixed gear bike. For $150.

Sorry.

Allow me to just say, this was as much a shock to me as it was you. But in explaining myself, I will need to come clean and admit that, yes, I was shopping at Wal-Mart when said discovery took place. In my defense, I was forced to enter into the big brainwashing box only after an extensive combing of local thrift stores failed to turn up a kid-sized tennis racket and pink tutu with matching leotard and ballet tights (for my daughter, gutter minds).

 

Anyway, there I was, perusing  the fine assortment of brand new badminton rackets, envisioning how I could really crush the backyard competition if I went titanium, when what to my wandering eyes does appear? A shiny black fixie with only one gear (sorry for the rhyme, industrial florescent lights give me hallucinations.) Not normally an aficionado of bicycle drive trains, I only knew it to be a fixie because there, in bright neon orange lettering across the top tube was the word “Fixie,” lest anyone mistake it for a lesser singlespeed or, god forbid, a 3-speed.

 

That’s right. The hipster scene has gone mainstream.

 

Now, before we travel farther down the road of regret and remorse, there may be a few people out there, perhaps of a certain age, who know nothing about a fixie except that it “sounds dirty.” Allow me to explain that fixie is just a cute name for “track bike,” which for whatever reason just doesn’t hold the same caché. If you are still confused, think “Breaking Away,” where in the climactic scene, they race around in circles on a hard track-like surface. (OK, technically, it may have been a 10-speed, but just go with it.) Anyway, I guess to be extra brutal, as if racing around in circles isn’t bad enough, they rigged ’em up so you can never stop riding. Even downhill. Oh, and to remove the temptation of any lingering wussies even thinking about slowing down, they removed the brakes. It’s Fred Flintsone or nothing.

 

Needless to say, in the never-ending quest to one-up the bike messenger next door, the track bike apparently jumped the berm and hit the streets of über chic cities across the country a few years back. I know this because I had a friend from Portland who moved here and told me all about it. (He was wearing clogs and man-capris at the time, but that’s beside the point.)

 

Of course, being one who is generally afraid of high speeds and quite fond of her granny gear, I never made the jump. Besides, I didn’t want to ruin the young folks’ fun when “someone’s mom” showed up to the party on her fixed-gear bike, air-braking and Fred Flintstoning like no tomorrow.

 

But that’s not to say I can’t sympathize. Like the time my favorite “underground” band’s CD was on sale at Starbucks (the first, and last, time I ever went there. I swear.) Or when I found out you could buy Snuggies at Walgreens. All those late nights in front of the TV, pen in hand, waiting for the commercial to air – I’ll never get them back.

 

Alas, the important thing to do is not dismay. Rather, think of it as well-deserved bragging rights: “Why yes, this is one of the original burgundy models. I had to hit redial for six straight hours just to get it. I understand they are collector’s items now.”

 

And just because you might think it’s no longer cool doesn’t mean the rest of the country doesn’t, so lighten up Francis. Who knows? Maybe all those people will think twice before getting in their cars and driving when they can hop on their sweet new ride. Before you know it, people will be riding their bikes all over the place – to work, to school, to the mustache dispensary – or maybe just for fun. We’re talking mass production meets critical mass.

 

Which is pretty cool.

 

Besides, I’ll bet the next bike fad is already swaggering its way down the proverbial bike lane. And chances are, if you pedal fast enough, you can get there first.

– Missy Votel