Diver: Wildcat

Wildcat, Best Diver ever!

Interesting facts: Just cuz a cat has kittens in an oven, it don’t mean they’re biscuits.
 

Dear Diver,
A guy we’ve worked with for several years suddenly up and quit under mysterious circumstances. He gave some vague excuses that didn’t really add up about “wanting to get closer to god,” and when we went to clean out his desk there were pages upon pages of notes in what looked like some sort of undecipherable code, possibly of a Middle Eastern origin. To boot, his in-box was filled with spam from the NRA. Now, I don’t want to come off as paranoid, but we are a little worried that there was possibly an underwear bomber in our midst. Should we be worried and/or contact the authorities?
- Code Orange, Durango

Sound the alarm!
...the nosy-co-workers-with-irrational-fears alarm, that is. I’m betting it’s your nosiness that drove this poor guy away. These pages of “undecipherable code” you speak of...were they inside a genuine leather-bound book with a little heart lock and the words “Dear Diary” written in cursive on the front? The kind of book where a misunderstood fellow would need to express his feelings, maybe in his own made-up code because he thought his gossipy co-workers were rifling through his desk? And speaking of rifling...I don’t see what’s wrong with wanting to be a part of a civil rights organization with 4.3 million other people who want to, I hear, promote firearm safety and protection of hunting and self-defense. This guy probably had lots of interesting things to say, and now you’ll never know, because you and your clique of office “cool kids” never gave him a chance. Also, if someone writes their name on a Lean Cuisine in the freezer, that’s not an invitation for you to eat it.
– Tell my mother I’m OK, the Diver

Dear Diver,
I am a complete hunting virgin, and quite frankly get a little squeamish at the thought of killing a spider, let alone a giant, majestic mammal. Plus, my idea of “roughing it” in the great outdoors does not include camo, generators, elk steak or four-wheelers. However, my hope-to-be in-laws are avid hunters and keep trying to get me to go to “hunt camp” with them. I don’t want to come off as a wussie, but my excuses are starting to run thin. Any advice on tackling this situation, preferably without bloodshed, would be greatly appreciated.
– Gun Shy

Dear Wuss-Bag,
How is your significant other going to know you really love her if you can’t murder something for her? Even hippie dudes murder flowers to make necklaces and crap for their hippie chick ladies. Just imagine you’re pulling the guts out of a giant bouquet of daisies. Meat salad. So get strapped, throw on your “sun’s out, guns out” tank top, and cowboy up.
– Killing in the Name of Love, the Diver

Dear Diver,
The other day, I was walking down the sidewalk, minding my own business, when an angry bee flew out of nowhere and stung me on the leg. A few days later, a friend of mine’s little kid got stung under similar circumstances. Then, a friend of mine was chopping firewood and was literally attached by an angry swarm, seemingly unprovoked. Have the African killer bees finally made their way to Colorado? What can we do to protect ourselves?
– Buzzing in Durango

Dear Buzzing,
I’m going to let you in on a secret that my friend, the Internet, told me. It’s the government. It is always the government. You’re probably thinking I’m just another crazy conspiracy theorist (which is exactly what “they” want you to think), but listen to this: angry bees are just the beginning. “They” have been paying South American bee shepherds to herd their flocks of Africanized bees into our safe communities. “They” plan on combatting this “incident” by conveniently introducing nature’s own T-1000...the Asian giant hornet, also known as the yak-killer. These behemoth warriors can decapitate as many as 40 bees per minute. Good news, right? Wrong. Asian giant hornet babies produce an amino acid that can be consumed by humans to enhance endurance. “They” plan on harvesting these secretions, placing them into everyday consumables (energy drinks, triple bacon cheesinators, candy corn, etc.) and raising an army of super-human soldiers to take over the world. What “they” don’t know is that the insects will revolt, and this will lead to the humans vs. hornets apocalypse. I didn’t hear that part from the Internet though. I heard it from Lenny, who lives in an old VW van and survives on a diet of tree bark and urine. But he told me he invented the Internet, so it’s totally legit.
– Drink it because “they” said so, Diver