Diver: Wildcat, of J3 Media
Interesting facts: Contrary to popular opinion, the Wildcat is not the genetically superior twin of Hugh Jackman or the reincarnation of Abraham Lincoln. He is just a simple man about town.


Dear Diver,
I, like you, am a guide and work in Alaska in the summer and the Northwest in the winter. Happened to be passing through Durango, had a pocketful of quarters and went out looking for a pinball machine. No bar in town has them, and it’s really too bad. I play drink in hand and chug every time my ball drains, and it’s awesome. Why doesn’t someone put one in a bar down here?
– TJ, Oregon’s coastal waters

Dear “TJ,”
I don’t know how you party in “Alaska” with your “chugging” and “ball draining,” but here in America we get down and dirty while we sort and fold. Durango has two whole pinball machines, located at the downtown laundromat. It’s the most fun you can possibly have on a Friday night with a box of dryer sheets and a pocketful of quarters. And just to be clear, when I say “down and dirty” I mean mountain breeze fresh, and by “we” I mean me and my roommate, because he has a car and I threatened to go in his room and stare at his face every morning right before he woke up if he didn’t give me a ride.
– All’s fair in laundry and pinball, the Diver

Dear Diver,
I’ve been sitting back and watching Durango’s “green rush” for the last few years. Just when it seems like the market’s saturated with MMJ providers, another benevolent grower goes into business. Will the medicine market ever be overcooked in Durango? Is it too late to hang my own green shingle somewhere in town?
– Boomer

Dear Dr. Boom,
I’d like to commend you for your spirit of capitalistic good will and the desire to provide healing for the community. Personally, I have turned down the MMJ movement for alternate methods of health care (geometric dance, rhinestone therapy and slowly replacing all of my blood with coffee), but I can tell you exactly what you need to know: people love combos. Keytars, sporks, unicorns, Bo Jackson ... combos are the only way you’re going to infiltrate the swarm of MMJ providers. Open a dance studio/tanning salon/dispensary and call it Shake, Bake & Bake. How about the Pack ’N’ Play Bowling Alley? Hire an acupuncturist and open Poke & Smoke. Or – and this is the real money maker – provide a one-stop-shop for MMJ, cookware and burial services...Pot, Pots & Plots. Combo it up man, and you’ll be swimming in a tower of gold coins in no time. And if you screw it up, you can always grab a blank jean jacket and get stoned...with rhinestones!
– Bedazzled, the Diver

Dear Diver,
Check this out: my next door neighbor recently took up the bagpipes. For the record, I’m all for artistic and musical expression, and I’m kind of into the whole Celtic thing. However, he spends a good portion of every weekend marching up and down his yard and “practicing” (aka strangling the cat). What to do? How can I politely restore a little peace to the hood.   
– Angus, Durango’s lowlands

Angus,
We must strive to turn our community into a loving, caring and accepting environment. Except for people who are different than us, of course. The best way to rid yourself of an obnoxious and uncomfortable neighbor is to be doubly obnoxious and uncomfortable. You could sit outside and watch his lonely parades wearing only denim cut-offs and glitter, while critiquing his performance with seductive adjectives such as “sexy,” “ladyface,” and “Woodrow Wilson.” You could take the vengeful approach and make his children/pets/ex-wife/boss/World of Warcraft girlfriend love you more than they love him. Or, my personal favorite ... you could sneak into his room and stare at his face every morning right before he wakes up.
– Peace and harmonicas, the Diver