Divers: Luke and Tim

Luke and Tim - knives or chopsticks these two will get the dishes done.

Interesting facts: Luke and Tim are divers of the dishwashing kind, safety meetings in the freezer, yo!

Dear Diver,
I purchased $1.29 worth of music from I-tunes for a good friend. Or so, I thought ... Turns out, it’s been a year, and he still hasn’t paid me back. Diver, I have nowhere to turn but you, what should I do, hire a thug to teach him a lesson he won’t soon forget or just give up on our friendship forever?
-Disappointed in Durango

Dear Disappointed Super-Dirtbag,
First off, don’t try to be funnier than the diver, we see what you’re doing here, and it’s not cool. Second, its 2011 Mr. Sad Sack – steal music like everyone else! What song did you download? Ja Rule, maybe some Lil’ Jon? Do you think those guys are hard up for cash? Lil’ Jon drinks crunk juice green smoothies for breakfast out of a golden cup while you are sweating $1.29. We as divers support buying music from artists who could use the money, for you know, getting their medical marijuana licenses, which on second thought Ja and Lil Jon might do that too. So yeah, hire that thug and dissolve the friendship.
– “Yeaaah … whaaaat … okaaaay,” Divers

Dear Diver,
I am new to the area and just picked up the Telegraph and really enjoy this column. Can you tell me, what in the heck is a diver? Are we talking scuba, high-dive … or what? Please let me in on the secret – and any other tips you might have for being more “local,” while you’re at it.
– New Guy

Dear New Kid with a chalk bag,
Wow, new guy, that’s amazing that someone actually reads this column.
Well, a diver, the diver, is a state of mind really, one that is usually clouded in a haze of dirty dishes, caustic chemicals and broken dreams. The diver is blurred in secrecy. We could divulge that info, but you know the deal, if we did we’d have to … Anywho, about being more local, that we can let you in on some secrets: you must have at least two jobs, one that is in the service industry where you act particularly smug; you must own at least one dog with all your clothes covered in dog hair; and you must participate in at least three outdoor sports e.g. underwater basket weaving, mountain top badminton or freerunning aka parkour. Anything else you need to know can be found in the recent article on Durango in Outside magazine.
– Why doesn’t anyone ever ask if we are diving in dumpsters? Divers

Dear Diver,
I recently acquired my green card and am at a total loss of what sort of “medicine” I should try first. The dispensary aisle is a veritable smorgasbord. “Death Star” sounds a little heavy, but “Grape Ape” might be a little light. Then there’s “Trainwreck” and “Purple Spurkle” – I’m just not sure what to think. Please help me through the ganja jungle without succumbing to reefer madness.
– Greenhorn   

Dear Green Thumb Up Your Butt,
Jackie Greenhorn, you got your card already, you don’t have to lie to the diver and act like you are medicating. We all know you’re going to get high, eat some Doritos, and top that off with a tub of ice cream, as you fall asleep on your couch to a rerun of “Golden Girls.” We’re supposed to believe this is medicine? Really? The real problem is, you can’t figure out what kind of weed to smoke. Oh, woe is thee! The issues you youngsters have these days. Just be glad you don’t have a case of severe paranoia now, every time you decide to partake. You know the cotton mouth while driving, thinking every car behind you is a cop, while you light up a cigarette and drive with the windows down in the winter to “air out” the car, kind of thing. Of wait, that’s what it’s like to drive in Utah. Our advice: get a sample of everything, puff down the “Disappointed in Durango” guy and legally download some music. You’ll be the first to legally combine these two, and Durango can get noticed on the national media again.
– Divers Out