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| Dear Diver, I have a coworker who is generally a good person but there is one issue. She listens to music on her headphones all day and isn’t afraid to sing. Trouble is, she’s no good at it. Some of the songs are unrecognizable and when she doesn’t know the words she “hmm hmm’s” over them. How do we get it across to her to keep it to herself? – Signed, Plug my ears please! Dear Plug, Wow! Does your mother still fight your battles for you? Grow a pair and fight back with your own headphones and some White Zombie. Did you ever think to film this horrifically untalented act and post it on Youtube or how about a quick video post to her Facebook page? You wouldn’t last a second at Wildcat; we eat chinless wimps like you for breakfast. We would have papered her office in “Karaoke Night” flyers by the second day and moved her whole office out onto the patio before the end of the week. We would use the gag we bought at the Fallen Angel as a last resort before the emergency tracheotomy! – Dr. Divers Dear Diver, Why am I not allowed to recline my airline seat during take-off? I don’t get it. The chair only goes back a few degrees. Do those few inches of comfort really create a safety issue? What’s really going on here? – Crash, Durango P.S. Will that little yellow horseshoe actually save my life in the event of a water landing? Dear DOA, I’m sorry, did you say comfort ... on an airplane? What part about sitting in a flying missile headed for certain doom in Denver or whatever metropolis of Hell you are destined for, surrounded by complaining idiots that have just been strip-searched by TSA (“take scissors away”) and are traveling with dribble-nosed infected whining brats spreading their disease through the dry recycled air system do you call “comfort?” Have you noticed that since the emergence of TSA, driving to Denver is only 30 minutes longer than flying … except it’s harder to sleep while you’re driving. As for the floatation device, elbow the bung-hole next to you, grab his so you have two horseshoe-thingy-water-wings and don’t forget to take the seat cushion full of $7 beer farts to aid in your landing. Point your toes and keep your knees in tight so you don’t “spread eagle.” That leaves a mark in a BAD place. – Captain Diver Dear Diver, I was talking with a good friend of mine, we are both “dish-divers,” and we were wondering if the Diver is named so because of dishwashing experience? Or are you a scuba diver? Also: what’s the deal with pickles in restaurants, why do they assume everyone wants a pickle? – Cliff Cash Dear Cliff Jumper, Never ask someone what kind of diver they are … they may have to kill you! Pickles are Soylent Green. Why else would they be delivered by a stork? Have you ever noticed how tender and crispy they are? That’s because they are pickled from the tenderest Soylent Green in the world – babies (thus the stork.) The reason they deliver them with every sandwich is because it’s the American Way to WASTE. Even if you do like Soylent Green and you eat the pickle, you are not going to eat that soggy part of your sandwich ruined by the baby juices. I like Soylent Blue. It comes in a blue can labeled “Euphoria.” Ah sustenance! Think before you ask such silly questions. You are clearly the child that your class was not supposed to “leave behind!” – Divers are people, too |
