Diver: The Wildcat and George!
Interesting facts: We realize the combination of our names sound like a
terrible morning radio show duo.

Dear Diver,
I just read last week’s question about Ronnie James Dio and was so outraged that I had to comment. Who is that joker? Everyone knows that Ritchie Blackmore was the real guitar talent in Rainbow. Anyone worth their weight in ’80s vinyl and lycra knows that. Which brings me to my question: What is wrong with kids today? They should take the time to educate themselves before spouting off on things they don’t know about.
– A Real Headbanger

Dear Hot Tub Time Machine,
What’s wrong with kids today???? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with kids: Their parents. You. Weren’t you ’80s rockers all about subverting authority, stepping on your mothers and having a good time while caking as much makeup/cocaine on your face as possible? Once that beer gut started oozing out over the top of those slick, lycra pants, you donned the fat trousers and started yelling at whatever presidential party was in charge and “ruining” the country (you could do oh so much better). You joined the establishment you were fighting so hard against, and now, every argument you have is about who can point the most and yell the loudest with the most Cool Ranch Doritos crammed in their mouth.

So...Basically, the idiot kid doesn’t fall far from the nut tree.
– The Diver(s)

Dear Diver,
What is up with the yellow blinking lights at all of Durango’s intersections? I heard they were supposed to help reduce accidents, but seems to me it’s only going to lead to mass confusion. Especially for our out of town drivers, particularly our friends across the border to the south.
– Seeing Yellow

Dear Traffic Light Socialist,
Freedom of expression, my friend. I look at that blinking light, and I see Old Glory wrapped around a bald eagle crying tears of lightning. I see the founding fathers nodding approvingly at me, at AMERICA, at the power we have (THE PEOPLE) to turn/not turn/blithely drift across all north and southbound lanes. So go ahead, embrace your freedom, if you want to turn while that semi is barreling down on you like a mama grizzly trying to get to her cubs, then you throw a salute and put your foot down on the accelerator EVERYONE ELSE BE DAMNED.
It’s your life, it’s now or never.
– The Diver(s)

Dear Diver,
I know this is stupid but it is an ongoing issue that drives me crazy to no end. Should the toilet paper roll from the top or bottom? I am of the top-to-bottom school of thought. Just seems logical. Or am I spending too much time on the “thinker?”
– OCD Lou

Lou. Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou.
Brother, why are you still tied down to the oppressive system of unrolling? We must stop this mass genocide against our brother and sister trees: transforming them from their towering, woody splendor, to a few hundred sheets of bourgeois bottom bliss. Did you know that before every winter, trees shed their leaves for your convenience FOR FREE? Grab your canvas totes and start a-gatherin as many as possible so your bowl movements will be set for the next year. Heck, pick up a load of pinecones for the heavy-duty days. Be strong, and do not be swayed by the propagandist lies released by those Charmin fascists! Bears DO NOT use toilet paper in their natural environment!
Occupy your stalls ... with foliage.
– The Diver(s)